What Widowhood Taught Me About Money, Loss, and Starting Over
Grief and money can’t be separated. It’s like a lava lamp, you cannot separate it out.
Meet Kathi Balasek, the Founder of Grief-Ready Communication for Financial Professionals, Firms, and Leaders. She helps advisors and organizations build the communication skills needed to support clients through loss, transition, and life-altering moments to strengthening trust, retention, and long-term relationships in the process.
In this episode, we sit down with Kathi for one of the most powerful conversations we have ever had on this show. We talk about the financial rules nobody tells widows, like the fact that remarrying before 60 means losing your late spouse’s Social Security forever. We talk about why widows are rushed into decisions that don’t need to be made that first year. And we talk about what to say and what to stop saying to the grieving people in your life.
This one is for every woman who wants to be more financially prepared, more empathetically equipped, and more honest about the conversations we are all too afraid to start.
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Barbara Provost, EdD and Maggie Nielsen, MBA are the co-founders of Purse Strings, a national platform helping women make confident financial decisions by connecting them with vetted financial professionals who truly understand women’s lives and money needs. Purse Strings connects women across the U.S. with vetted financial professionals who specialize in supporting women through divorce, money transitions, and financial independence.
Full Episode Transcript
(This transcript was generated using AI, so please excuse any misspellings or errors)
PS: Ashley Neidert (MP3)
PS: Kathi Balasek (MP3)
[00:00:00]
Dr. Barb: There’s many things that, you know, when we talk about women and money, the sh*t we don’t talk about. There’s other things we don’t talk about as well. Like you’ve mentioned it yesterday when we were talking, you know, death, sex, politics
Maggie: We’re talking about it now though.
Dr. Barb: We are, and one thing we really wanna dig into here is the whole idea of grief.
Dr. Barb: Those who are grieving, typically we’re focusing on widows. I don’t know if people know this, but the [00:00:30] average age of a widow is 59, much younger than typically most people would guess. And as the population is aging, we’re gonna see a lot more grief a lot more widows, a lot more women who are st- stepping into their own finance- finances and financial future because they’ve lost their male spouse
Maggie: It’s gonna come for all of us, and I think a big conversation is having conversations early before you need it about finances, [00:01:00] about wishes, about things like that. I don’t know if I told you this, that the other day when I was talking to my dad he’s like, “Oh, I’ve got something I’ve gotta tell you.
Maggie: I don’t know how you’re gonna feel about it.” Oh, God, here we go. It c- it could be anything under the moon. He’s like, “I decided I’m gonna go with a green burial.” I was like, “Well, I’m not surprised on this.” He’s like, “They just lay down some cloth, and I found a place, and I’ve talked to them.” And I was like, “I [00:01:30] love that I don’t have to make this decision, ’cause I know that’s what you want, but I don’t wanna do the research.
Maggie: I don’t wanna find the place. I don’t wanna do the things.” I was like, “So are you gonna put that, like, in writing, like in your will, trust, something like that?” He’s like, “Yeah, I’m gonna, I’m gonna schedule a meeting and sit down with them.”
Dr. Barb: Wonderful
Maggie: Lord, praise the Lord. My God. And I was like, “This is the best conversation I’ve had.”
Maggie: But I was like, I don’t know. [00:02:00] It’s nice that they’re, it’s being taken care of, and I just know that grieving process might be a little bit easier because I don’t have to do the research. It’s decided and paid for. So but it, it made me laugh knowing that we were gonna come to this conversation talking about kind of widowhood and grieving and things like that, and we always say, like, have these conversations, have your estate plan, talk about your finances, you know, and how the conversations might be difficult but they don’t always have to be.
Maggie: I mean, again, I [00:02:30] talk always about do it on a casual Wednesday. This was just on a regular Monday. And I was like, “All right, great,” you know? And I kinda asked, like, what was the impetus of this? And he had a neighbor who was, like, 88 who just passed away within a week. You know, he got sick real fast and passed away, and I was like not great, but, like, I’m glad we have an impetus to keep moving and to keep going forward.
Maggie: And it’s weird being excited about these things. But having that all prepared then just allows you to [00:03:00] grieve, I feel like, at that time
Dr. Barb: Absolutely. I mean, that’s a gift, right? It’s a gift that, you know, your dad’ll have all that taken care of, paid for, so you don’t have to think through that, where a lot of people would never have that conversation or make those decisions or whatever. And it’s so important, right? It’s important because we need to understand how to help support one another and not run from it.
Dr. Barb: I had a dear friend who just lost her mother, and although I haven’t talked to this friend in a long [00:03:30] time, we were really close, and I knew her mother well, and I loved her mother, and her mother just always, when I think of her, had the biggest smile on her face. And, you know, I just got a card, and I just was telling her how I was so sad to hear about her mom, and gosh, every time I think about her big smile on her face, and how she always made me feel so engaged and warm and welcomed into her family, you know?
Dr. Barb: And it’s so sincere and so [00:04:00] true. And I know that conversation touched her, because she texted me late at night and said, “I just have to tell you, I loved the card. I loved that.” You know, it’s kind of like we went back, right, to when we were roommates and we knew each other’s families so well.
Dr. Barb: Of course, our lives have moved on, but we were bound together at that time. We knew each other’s parents. And, you know, when you have a friend who’s lost her mom with Mother’s Day coming up, you know, it’s really a tough time. And I think just continuing [00:04:30] to reach out, talk about the stories, what you remember, is just so heartfelt.
Dr. Barb: And until you’ve gone through it and lost someone really close to you, and you see the people who show up for you, it’s just, it’s amazing.
Maggie: Yeah. It really is. And so I’m excited to have this conversation with Kathi because the biggest takeaway for me, which I always want a refresher, is like how to be kind of that best person for somebody else when they’re grieving. ‘Cause it’s uncomfortable, but as uncomfortable it [00:05:00] might be for me, it’s nowhere near the heart of the loss it is for them, you know?
Maggie: And so just showing up for them and learning better ways to show up and be how she talks about grief-ready communication and really just be there for others is, We love to celebrate with people, but we also have to be there when the times are low, and this really can deepen a relationship. So should we get started?
Dr. Barb: Let’s do it.
[00:05:30]
Maggie: Welcome to Women and Money, the sh*t we don’t talk [00:06:00] about. I am excited to share your story with our audience. And so before we dive in today, can you share a little bit about who you are and what you do?
Kathi: Thank you, Maggie and Barb, for having me on today. Yes. My name’s Kathi Balasek, and what I do is I train professionals in grief-ready communication. And my background is in education but my lived experience as a widow [00:06:30] really has formulated a path forward to not only help people who are in grief, but help the professionals who serve them with a language, that lands.
Kathi: My life is beautiful. I had the fairy tale, and I met a wonderful man John. We had five kids.
Maggie: Five?
Kathi: Yes, five children. it’s this side of [00:07:00] nuts, I’ll just tell you. And a diagnosis changed our life. We were in our 30s, and he got diagnosed with brain cancer and, he made it five years past that, and then he died.
Kathi: So I was a caregiver and a widow at a very young age, and it really changed how I view life and love and how I wanna live. You know, he didn’t teach me how to die. He taught me how to live. And [00:07:30] so I knew at some point in my career that I would wanna shift and do something meaningful with my experience.
Kathi: So that’s my background. I was a teacher at the university. I trained teachers. And so I’ve had a beautiful career, but I decided to sidestep and be an entrepreneur and really train something that is deeply meaningful and mission-based because I believe that grief and loss[00:08:00] and widowhood, they’re financial.
Kathi: It’s like a lava lamp. You cannot separate it out. It ebbs and flows, and it’s been over 20 years since I’ve lost John, and every decision, every financial decision has some of that grief and loss in the background.
Kathi: And so I am on a mission to really help people, help professionals start talking about these things [00:08:30] so that they can move forward with confidence and clarity and not sever relationships, both personal and professional, and live their best life.
Dr. Barb: ha- I have a ton of questions.
Maggie: yeah. And I’m excited to have you on, as I think, you know, when you lose someone, it’s such a hard conversation for people to have. None of us are like, well-equipped to have it. I know I’m not. Like, you know, you always don’t wanna say the wrong thing, but you wanna be careful and caring, and so there’s a lot of moving [00:09:00] parts.
Maggie: But that example of a lava lamp, just like, I think about how there’s the small bubbles, things come and go, but sometimes there’s, like, a big clump, you know that kinda comes up, too. And so it’s, it really is. You know, it’s… You know, grief comes in waves, right? And you never know when it might hit or how big it might come, and so I just see those little bubbles in the lava lamp.
Maggie: And so before we kinda get into the work that you do now, I kinda wanna start, you know, with your story of being a wife to a caregiver to a widow before 40. [00:09:30] That’s a lot to hold. So can you take us back to some important moments on your journey and what kind of shifted for you financially?
Kathi: You know, I look back at that time now and it was a blur. I mean, I think I spent a year in bed. I mean, I would get up, I’d get every kid to be where they needed to be, and I’d go back and I’d go back in bed for five or six hours, set an alarm and get back up. I mean, I was barely functioning and yet I had people to help [00:10:00] me.
Kathi: My, my family, I mean, my parents are rock stars. They basically moved from Montana to help me and help me with the kids and… But here’s the thing about widowhood is that first and second year, they’re brutal. I’ve always been confident. I’ve always been a leader. Not during that time. It takes your self-worth, your confidence.
Kathi: You feel like you’re picked [00:10:30] last on a team, naked and afraid on a high bar, you know? It’s unbelievable how it messes with your mindset and fear, uncertainty, and I think a lot of people don’t give others going through grief that grace. And when I started to figure out, you know, I remember my mom saying at one point, [00:11:00] she’s like, you know, this was after about a month or two, she says, “Kathi, he’s not coming back.”
Kathi: Brutal, sobering, but I needed to hear it. Your kids lost one parent, they can’t lose another, and you need to get up, whatever that getting up looks like, but you have to do it. And it really was a turning point in me I stopped to avoid. I’m very passionate about this time in my life,
Kathi: ‘ cause it takes me back [00:11:30] emotionally.
Kathi: But I had to get square with the girl in the mirror, and the money Makes things real. You know, you play pretend a lot. I went to Hawaii that first year by myself. People would ask me, you know, I’d be out on an excursion boat, they’re like, “Where’s your husband?” I’m like, “Oh, he was tired. He’s back at the hotel sleeping.”
Kathi: I became a big fat fibber [00:12:00] because it was more comforting and easy to say that than to tell my sad story and… But the money makes it real, and you have to get square with that. And I had to go take that first step back into my financial advisor’s office and start handling things
Kathi: because I learned nobody else can do it.
Kathi: But there’s great people to help. [00:12:30] People want to support you, and that was pivotal, and I think that was a shift. And then the other shift at that point was during that first year, at the end of that first year I decided to go back to school. I had taken a leave of absence when I was caregiving for him, and you realize the finances.
Kathi: And it’s like I needed better insurance.
Kathi:[00:13:00] I needed full-time, a full-time job. And so I decided to go back to the university and teach in higher ed. And so that was a huge pivotal point where I had to start advocating for myself
Dr. Barb: So I have some questions about that Can you share a little bit about where you were financially in terms of what you knew was going on in your finances in the family, how either covered you were insurance-wise, [00:13:30] financial-wise, and five children. What were their age ranges?
Kathi: I’ll start with the kids. Their age ranges were 4, 6, 12, 16, and 18. And, you know, that was a lot. I mean, I hear friends of mine at that time, they’re like, “Oh, I’ve gotta take my kids to two schools.” I’m like, “You know what? You’re not gonna win that game, so let’s not compare.” And [00:14:00] financially and insurance, my husband was a FedEx pilot, so I never call him my late husband because you don’t wanna be late you’re an airline pilot.
Kathi: And we had great insurance, but his insurance didn’t cover me after that. I had a year
Kathi: with COBRA,
Kathi: And so– and I had taken a leave from my teaching position during caregiving, so I knew I had that. He had a small life [00:14:30] insurance, a policy that covered me and the five kids. And so I think back at that time and now, it really paid for all six of us to get college degrees,
Kathi: me included.
Kathi: So I, I spent a lot of that money on my next phase and going back to school. So I knew I had to have money that would supplement that. And I also had a [00:15:00] pension from his work, FedEx, which grateful I had a spousal income benefit for life.
Kathi: However, this is where money gets in your head because with many pensions I can keep this pension for life unless I marry again.
Dr. Barb: Can you say that again?
Kathi: I can [00:15:30] keep this pension for life unless I get remarried
Kathi: And so you look at where we are today in this world, and basically the world is telling me that, you know, “We want you to move forward, okay? We want all widows to move forward, but not really with your life.”
Kathi: And, you know, a pension and a life benefit and the [00:16:00] cost of caregiving and the longevity for women and all of those things, they need to be weighed into this.
Kathi: So some of these decisions are not just emotional. You know, my own happiness, you know, I wanna be married again. It’s not the best financial decision for me
Kathi: as women, and this is a rule for men, too. It [00:16:30] seems very, controlled, limited, and honestly a little bit discriminated against.
Kathi: It’s like the government or systems, ” We want you to get better, but, mm, not really.”
Kathi: So these types of limitations, and there’s several limitations. I mean, how many doctors offices do you have to go in and check the widow box? We’re done, okay? They send the message that you [00:17:00] as a widowed person are controlled by money a little bit, are less than, let’s put you on the bargain bin.
Kathi: Let’s, you know, we have to justify things, and it can really mess with your money mindset and who you are as a person. And this is stuff that they don’t tell you.
Kathi: You know? And when you’re widowed, [00:17:30] remarriage has financial stipulations, you know? You can’t remarry before 60 or you lose his Social Security forever.
Kathi: Nobody ever told me that.
Kathi: You know, this is something that people don’t know. When the average age of widows is 59, you can imagine they’re still working.
Kathi: They have kids at home, kids in college retirement issues. [00:18:00] You know, just filling out a FAFSA if you are solo versus remarried changes the numbers.
Kathi: So there’s a lot of rules inside and out financially that can harm you if you don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t have a professional that can help you
Dr. Barb: And did you have a good financial professional who knew these nuances? Okay, good. So you didn’t fall into any traps or like uh-ohs?
Kathi: I didn’t fall into that, [00:18:30] and was very supportive and he was a family friend. He was best friends with my husband growing up.
Dr. Barb: Okay
Kathi: but as I’ve learned more and in this, in the business that I do We all have more to learn. We all have more to learn to support people who are going through grief and learning this language because, I mean, grief is a universal experience, but it’s not a universal language.
Kathi:[00:19:00] And, you know, if grief were a sport, we’d all be world-class athletes because we’re either grieving, we know somebody who is grieving, or will be grieving.
Kathi: And that’s why, as a professional, having my background and then my lived experience Changing how we have these conversations with [00:19:30] our families, with our loved ones, with professionals, has value well beyond the numbers, well beyond the relationship, because we live in a very grief illiterate society.
Kathi: We don’t wanna talk about it, right? I mean, I am like the turd in the punch bowl. It’s like I know how to clear a room. I make people awkward when they know my [00:20:00] story.
Dr. Barb: Interesting.
Kathi: What most people do is they don’t tell their story because they don’t wanna, you know, be the buzzkill in the group.
Kathi: It’s very isolating for widows, for grieving people, for people going through caregiving, and yet there’s so many things that people can do in a compassionate and empathetic way to help them feel included, to help them feel a [00:20:30] part of their story,
Kathi: to engage, because we don’t know what to say, right?
Dr. Barb: Yeah. So we can learn from you. So let’s dive into that. You know, if someone’s in an early stage of loss or transition how does one person, first of all, help support them? And what’s something, like a small step they can take to feel more in control as well?
Kathi: Number one [00:21:00] is we all know how this movie ends for all of us, Right
Kathi: So We’re not good at this skill. It is a skill. Let go of what you said in the past. Who cares? You know? Today, find one person that maybe needs your E game. Give them some empathy.
Kathi: You know? Just one person today. And I think some rules of thumb here [00:21:30] are just reach out.
Kathi: “I’m thinking about you. This must be difficult. I was thinking about John the other day, and I’m really missing him.” You know, I get a lot of that right now that’s so comforting. I mean, this was over 20 years ago, but my youngest son, Jesse, is now a pilot,
Dr. Barb: Oh, wow
Kathi: it’s just bittersweet. And so, so many people reached out and told me what that meant to them, having known John.
Kathi:[00:22:00] Those things matter. The stories matter Something that’s really important is invite their story to the table.
Kathi: Even if it makes us all very awkward and nervous we’re gonna make her cry or make him cry.
Kathi: Invite that story. Something happened to me at Jesse’s wedding this summer. He married the cutest little gal, and she’s a nurse.
Kathi: She’s a NICU [00:22:30] nurse. And she just holds the babies all night. It’s so cute. But anyway, we were at the wedding, and around the table everybody starts asking about proposals, how they got proposed to. And I’m like, “Oh, okay. They’ll get to me, and this’ll be the end.” I’m like, “Okay, maybe it’s time for me to get a beverage.” honestly, somebody said, “Kathi, how did John propose to you?” It was [00:23:00] like I get to tell my story
Kathi: because the end of a life didn’t end a relationship, and this is part of my story. And I don’t think we invite those stories enough, and that’s where connection lives. That’s where trust is built the quickest.
Kathi: And in the end, those are the stories that matter.
Dr. Barb: Mm-hmm.
Kathi: And so to invite the story, say the person’s name. Don’t be afraid that you’re gonna [00:23:30] say it wrong or awkwardly and have these Bambi moments, you know? just the fact that you put forth some effort matters, and it opens the conversation to better conversations, and pretty soon they’re not awkward anymore.
Maggie: I think that’s interesting how you kind of mentioned that people might avoid the conversation ’cause it might make the person cry, you know? And there’s nothing wrong with that, you know? And it’s not like [00:24:00] you’re smashing on the person to make them cry. You know what I mean? It’s just interesting ’cause I think a lot of people then they’re like, “Well, that’s uncomfortable.”
Maggie: But we’re still grieving, but we still gotta say their name and share their stories, like you’ve been saying. And I, you know, it’s, you know, kind of changing those messages of like, men don’t cry. Like, no, men can cry. We can all cry. And crying’s not bad, you know? We still have those points, like in that lava lamp, where that grief will come up and, you know, emotions will be there.
Maggie: But that doesn’t mean we should avoid the whole thing altogether.
Kathi:[00:24:30] Exactly. What happens is, I mean, we can talk ourselves out of a lot of things. And, you know, it just taking that first step because in where we are in this world right now, I don’t know if you’re living under a rock or whatever, but there’s a lot of sad and loneliness and uncertainty going on right now.
Kathi: And You know, cheering it up. ” You’re so resilient.” You know, find the silver [00:25:00] linings, you know. We are culturally conditioned to cheer people up, but you need to meet them in the mud. That’s, like, a quote from Brene Brown. You know, meet them where they are and stop trying to… You can’t cheer grief away, and we don’t clearly understand what grief is and what grief isn’t.
Kathi: Whenever there is a change, there is a letting go or [00:25:30] a loss, and wherever there is that, there’s grief, and it doesn’t matter if it’s death or non-death related. And so we disenfranchise people’s right to grieve by saying things like, you know, “Wow I would have thought you’d have been through that by now.”
Kathi: Well, there’s no stages of grief. Okay? They’ll say, “Were you close?” As if, you know, you weren’t close to that person or [00:26:00] not. And I’ll hear people say, well, you know, when a spouse dies, “Well, I didn’t even think they had that great of a marriage before.” And they just say things trying to… Because our beautiful little brains, we try to quantify things because what we’re hearing and witnessing is incredibly sad.
Kathi: So quantifying this, we try to justify, [00:26:30] rationalize. They’re like, “Oh, you’re young. You’ll meet somebody new.” You know? It’s like, I’m not camping out at the courthouse lawn waiting for a new divorcee to walk out.
Maggie: You’re not?
Kathi: you know. So we say things based on, you know, their age. “Well, how old were they? Were you close?”
Kathi: To try to quantify really how unfair this is in people’s lives. So people mean well, [00:27:00] but to avoid those statements is the first change that needs to be made of really stop quantifying and justifying and cheering it up. And then my last fa-fan favorite is comparative suffering. Like, your loss is bigger than mine.
Kathi: Mine is bigger than yours. You know, and we do that a lot, and we do it as a defense mechanism.
Kathi: But grief is as unique as your [00:27:30] fingerprint, and that one is not more severe than somebody else’s. The only grief that matters is their grief, the person right in front of you who needs your compassion and empathy and words.
Dr. Barb: Well, and I’m glad we’re having this conversation on the sh*t we don’t talk about because just like grief and money, you know, those are conversations that people feel awkward diving into. But if we don’t [00:28:00] have them unpack it a little bit, just start talking about it and learning from one another about how can we best have these conversations so that…
Dr. Barb: You know, the population is aging. We’re gonna see a lot of grieving widows and grieving families, and we need to be able to respect that and support those people and be there for them, you know, in a way. And sometimes I think people don’t wanna say anything because it makes them feel uncomfortable more than the [00:28:30] person who’s grieving.
Dr. Barb: You know? Like, “I feel awkward. I’m uncomfortable. I don’t wanna talk about it.” But it’s not about you , you know? It’s about the person who’s grieving
Kathi: Exactly. You know, and when things are hard and sad and we go inward. That’s a normal response to protect ourselves,
Kathi: okay? There shouldn’t be any guilt there, but we do go there. And so to really learn to practice how to be present,[00:29:00] words that keep you present, and to focus on them, and this is a skill, and a practiced, learned skill, and then it starts to become automatic. Because- The reality is it’s gonna happen to all of us. And women, you know, 80% of men die married. Mm-hmm. And so it will be the last woman standing. It’s not fair to either [00:29:30] genders, but that is the reality, and to start having these conversations before with the people that you care about.
Kathi: Because, you know, I talk to my kids about life, about what I want. I talk to my young married kids about what conversations they need to be having now. It’s at, like, date night, 12 date nights a year, and here’s your agenda. And it’s [00:30:00] all financially related because they need to have them. It’s like the fire drill.
Kathi: You have to practice this before.
Dr. Barb: Right.
Kathi: okay? And you have to have them now. And so every family needs to start planting these seeds because whether your children or your loved ones, whoever you are in charge of, your legacy down the road, start planting seeds because they might not be ready to talk [00:30:30] about it, but they’re listening.
Kathi: I mean, I’ve told this story before, but it’s a favorite story to me because I was talking to Jesse. I don’t know what it is about Jesse’s stories, but there’s something about the baby of the family, you know? Yeah, I know, right? But I told him, I said, “You know, I really…” We were talking about favorite songs, and I said, “Well, one of my favorite songs is John Denver’s Sunshine on My Shoulders, and I want it to be played at my service, [00:31:00] and I want my service to be a party.” And he’s like, “I don’t think I know that song.” So anyway I said, “Well, I really want it to be like this,” and I started going a little bit further with what I wanted after I’m gone, and you could tell he’d had enough, okay? I planted the seed, but he’d had enough, so, you know, don’t try to drive that hammer.
Kathi: And anyway, a few days later, I get home from work, and he’s a piano player. You can guess what song [00:31:30] he’s playing on the piano. You know, so they’re hearing, and they’re listening, and having these conversations and knowing how to have them, when to stop, is key. I mean, we’re not blindsiding Nana at the Thanksgiving Day table, you
Maggie: come on, Kathi. You’re no fun
Kathi: you know, it’s not a matter of convenience. It’s a matter of preparing. Letting people know this is why we wanna talk about it, putting it [00:32:00] on the calendar, and actually having a conversation that might not get results the first one. It might be a series of conversation.
Kathi: And families don’t wanna do that.
Kathi: People don’t know how to do it, and that’s why I’ve built these skills
Maggie: Do you feel you know, with John’s having, like, cancer and having a little bit more time than just like, you know, dropping of a heart attack or a sudden incident, do you feel like you were [00:32:30] able to have some more of those conversations before he passed to kind of know what those wishes were and to transfer things over?
Maggie: And even though they were a bit faster than we might have these conversations with others, do you feel like you, you had some of more of that time to, to get in those questions?
Kathi: I did. Really good question, Maggie. I had more time. We talked about these things, but I really was that traditional, didn’t talk about long-term finances. You know, many women, I [00:33:00] mean, they are great at money. We know how to save, spend, and stretch a dollar, but not many of us were in the long-term finance conversation, and including me.
Kathi: And it forced me quickly. I mean, I got a crash course very quickly prior, and that was helpful. But widowhood, when it happens, no amount of experience [00:33:30] is gonna prepare you for the volume of tasks that have to be made, and there’s a real rush and pressure that doesn’t need to be there that first year because very few decisions need to be made that first year.
Kathi: And it’s more of organizing, finding, filling out a few forms, opening up options. And everybody wants you [00:34:00] to get better quick, and they want your sadness to go away, people and professionals included. And so there is this subliminal rush and get it done, but my advice is to not and to really pace that year out because many financial decisions
Kathi: are not reversible.
Kathi: And, you know, widows [00:34:30] make some poor decisions, and the research says the house is a big one. They make housing decisions too soon. they are the purse for everyone,
Kathi: you know, but what people don’t realize and they’ll say, “Oh, it’s just retail therapy.” Well, it’s real- that’s really condescending because being the purse and spending and giving, that money represents the ultimate loss.
Kathi:[00:35:00] Why would I not wanna get rid of it? I don’t like it. I don’t want it. Get it out of here. That is a normal response,
Kathi: and when you think, when you go deeper into, like, the housing decision, you know, should they keep it, should they sell it, refinance, redecorate, you know, downsize, whatever, it’s bigger than that.
Kathi: Maybe they no longer feel safe in that home alone. [00:35:30] Maybe the spouse died in that home.
Kathi: Maybe their children were raised in this home. it goes so much deeper and it’s back to that lava lamp. Grief and money can’t be separated, and so to really understand the emotions that are driving some of these choices is vital.
Maggie: Yeah. We hear a lot about, yeah, just making decisions when your emotions are increased is a lot. And not only are [00:36:00] you managing your own emotions and your own grief, you’re helping five children go through that, which is unchartered territory. And, you know, everyone’s got their own lava lamp that they’re, you know, trying to work through.
Maggie: And so it’s a lot to manage your own and to help others as well. So those big decisions, we’ve just gotta kind of wait and put them on hold and not let people rush us. But also know, you know, have those good people in our corner, like our, you know, good advisors who can say, “Okay, these things actually do need to be done now or in the next three months, and [00:36:30] these things we can wait, we can hold off too.”
Maggie: You know, because there, there is a bit of both, right? And so looking back, like, what do you wish you knew about money before your whole world changed?
Kathi: I wish I understood more of the long-term finances. I didn’t know anything about that, and I wish I would have. I wish I would’ve understood it more. I wish I would have taken a more active role and in the [00:37:00] long-term finances, I wish I would’ve understood more about insurance my options, you know.
Kathi: I mean, I made silly mistakes back then, you know. I mean, when a widow walks onto a car lot, you can basically finish that sentence. You know, I overpaid, didn’t know, bought the extended warranty. I mean, you know, the car was cashmere in color. That was the name, so in all fairness, that, But I [00:37:30] made a lot of stupid mistakes because I didn’t understand debt.
Kathi: I didn’t understand compounding interest. I didn’t understand opportunities for me financially. And I had a lot of guilt about that for a while, and shame, and you’re embarrassed to admit it.
Kathi: You’re embarrassed to ask for it. And anytime you bring it up, it’s so tied with the [00:38:00] emotions of loss, you’re like, ” I’m not taking that hit today,” you know?
Kathi: So you just wake up another day and wake up another day. And if I could give advice to any young person, couple, start having these date night conversations. Get great insurance, health insurance, life insurance, know about long-term care insurance. Really [00:38:30] put yourself in the driver’s seat and find great professionals.
Kathi: And really great resources too. You know, if you’re a brand-new widow, there’s resources out there for you that do a great job. I mean, I have three that, you know, I know personally. I respect them. I mean, Modern Widows Club, Wings of Widows, Widowhood 411. I know them personally. They have great tools for you, not only in your widowhood [00:39:00] journey emotionally, socially, physically, et cetera, but financial resources also for you.
Kathi: I don’t know where I’d be without a great counselor
Kathi: going through loss a family that supported me and loved me professionals that helped me step forward when forward was a puzzle that I didn’t even have the picture on the [00:39:30] box. And I’m extremely grateful ’cause you can’t do it alone
Maggie: Yeah. I think it’s really interesting is 40 is kind of that, I feel like, where people get more in focus of retirement and more it’s like, “Ah, it’s coming more clear. I can see it more down the pipeline.” But before that, it seems so distant. But things like this can really speed up that timeline and make you realize, like, now is a good day to get started.
Maggie: Even though it seems so far out, you don’t know what your timeline is, right? [00:40:00] And so you might be planning to 102, but you don’t know the world’s plan for you. And so it’s it’s interesting and another reason why it’s so important to get started, not just, you know, make the most of your compound interest, but, like, why you need to be part of the conversation so early on because you just don’t know what the journey holds
Kathi: Exactly. And, you know, it’s back to that denial, you know? There’s very few things that are for sure.[00:40:30]
Kathi: Death is one of them. And the way that loss and money can really affect relationships makes it so worthy of conversations because relationships are shaped differently after a loss. Your friendships, your social circle, your in-laws, it’s different, and it’s not [00:41:00] gonna be the same.
Kathi: But the conversations while it’s shaping matter.
Kathi: And talking about hard things is one thing. Delaying talking about it just makes it worse.
Maggie: And so kind of with the work that you do now, what’s like a piece or two of advice you would give to, people if they’ve, you know, work with coworkers who’s [00:41:30] lost a loved one or a boss who’s, you know, become a widow or even, you know, just a friend? What are some, you know, pieces of advice you might give?
Kathi: again, we can talk ourselves out of a lot of things. And then we’re like, “Oh, should I call? Should I text? Should I email? Should I go on social media?” Stop that. Just do one thing. Pick a mode of communication and reach out Tell them you care. Tell them you’re there for them. Use the person’s name [00:42:00] in the sentence.
Kathi: Tell them what that person meant to you. If you didn’t know the person, tell that person what your colleague always said about that person. You know? Give a story, give a context, and then finish with, “I will reach out again. I will stay in touch.” You open an invite. You’ve gotta break that ice.
Kathi: You know, [00:42:30] when I’m calling somebody for the first time, and even in my experience in my teaching, it’s still…
Kathi: I gotta get in my head to call somebody when I know this is a very fragile scenario, and it’s usually, you know, “Hi, Randy. I wanted to call you and say that I’m heartbroken about the death of your mother. You know, I loved Virginia. She was wit smart, [00:43:00] and her humor was on point. I was thinking about when we were at X together,” whatever.
Kathi: ” I wanted you to hear my voice. I wanted to tell you what she meant to me, and that I’m thinking about you. I will reach out in a week or two.” Done. You know? And you keep reaching out. You text somebody, “Just thinking about you today. I know it’s the anniversary of his loss, and I’m thinking of you.”
Kathi:[00:43:30] Or somebody who lost their mother. I mean, we are headed to the mother of all mothers in May, right? That is so hard for anybody who has lost their mother.
Kathi: What an opportunity to reach out.
Kathi: You know, it’s been over two decades since I’ve had this loss. My life is rich, fulfilling, wonderful, [00:44:00] but when somebody says his name and that they are thinking about him, it’s like whipped cream on my heart.
Kathi: It just is. It just is like, wow. You know, we need a whole worldwide huddle around people showing empathy in the everyday. That’s what matters, and empathy is [00:44:30] the biggest buy one, get one. The more you give, the more you feel great about what you just did, and It’s joy-giving.
Kathi: That’s what I want for this world.
Kathi: I teach grief literacy. It is the love language that I want the world to start using.
Maggie: I’m touched. It’s great. It’s good stuff. I mean, and you’re right about all of it and yeah. And I think it is that keep reaching out is, you know, I’ve heard from some widows who, [00:45:00] you know, a year later everyone seems to have moved on. But you haven’t, you know, which is totally fair. And so, you know, you do have to keep reaching out and keeping that conversation alive
Kathi: I, it’s really important because moved on and moved forward are two unique things,
Kathi: and when there’s no timeline of grief, and everybody grieves uniquely we use a lot of moved on [00:45:30] language that isn’t always supportive. And when you love there’s a depth, and the depth you love will be the depth you grieve.
Kathi: And so you don’t ever get through it, get on, move past it. You learn to grow around it.
Kathi: And [00:46:00] that’s a myth of getting through it, moving on, that is not supportive, and it really doesn’t align with how grief works.
Kathi: I mean, they always say, you know, grief and love are sisters or brothers. That’s why the language is important.
Kathi: I mean, language can cut like a knife,
Kathi: but in grief it can cut like a machete, [00:46:30] and it’s really important to know exactly what to say and not say to grow a relationship.
Dr. Barb: Yeah. All good, amazing pieces of advice, and for us to listen to your wisdom all that you’ve learned and experienced. So I so appreciate you sharing your story with us. And, you know, I think about this last question that we ask everyone, and coming from someone that’s lost your husband so young with five children, [00:47:00] you know, what does financial freedom, what does that mean to you now?
Dr. Barb: I mean, based on everything that you’ve been through. So what does that mean to be financially free, financially fearless?
Kathi: Financially free and financially fearless for me means that I’m in the driver’s seat, and I have a lot of choices in front of me, and I’m the [00:47:30] one who’s going to do my homework, trust people who are way smarter than me to make the best decision for me and my family because I believe I’m in a lane all by myself, and that’s what I’ve learned.
Maggie: Kathi’s got the wheel. She’s ready to drive I really appreciate you coming on and sharing your story and sharing your wisdom [00:48:00] as this is sh*t people don’t talk about, people don’t wanna talk about, but I think is so needed. And you’re absolutely right when it’s gonna hit all of us, so we have to be there to be those supporting around others.
Maggie: So we appreciate it, and I wanna make sure, like, your link to your website and all your resources are in the show notes as well so people can reach out and connect with you and continue the conversation. So yeah, we thank you for sharing your expertise
Kathi: Barb and Maggie, it has been a joy. Thank you so much for inviting me into your [00:48:30] world, and I just wanna say that I’m in awe of what you do, what you’ve built, and I’m grateful. And you’re really making an impact for women, so Thank you.
The Wake-Up Call We Can’t Ignore with Candy Wolff, Claudia Porter, and Amy Salo
When life throws the unexpected, how do you financially prepare and respond?
In the milestone 100th episode of ‘Women and Money, the Shit We Don’t Talk About,’ we celebrate our journey featuring three previous guests, all inspiring women; Candy Wolff, Claudia Porter, and Amy Salo. Together they’re again sharing their impactful stories of financial struggle and resilience, but this time with combined insight.
Candy shares the emotional and financial whirlwind of losing her husband unexpectedly and how she took charge of her finances after years of sitting on the sidelines. Claudia recounts her escape from a toxic marriage, including her clever tactic of replacing her wedding ring stones to hire a divorce attorney. Amy lays out how financial professionals (and women themselves), can do more to take full ownership of their financial power.
Each guest also reflects on the lessons they wish they had known during their challenging times and their ongoing missions to empower other women financially. Each story resonates with the mission of Purse Strings: to empower women to be financially fearless and make informed decisions.
This isn’t about fear. It’s about being prepared, empowered, and seen.
Whether you’ve been through loss, know someone who has, or just want to stop saying “I’ll handle it later”, this episode is your call to action.
Got a unique financial story to share? Whether it’s about crushing debt, building wealth, an unexpected windfall, or just a wild money moment, we want to hear it! Or are you a professional who helps women with money? If you’re a financial coach, attorney, CPA, or work in any area that empowers women financially, we’d love to hear from you too! Your story could inspire our community of women. Fill out our intake form here!
00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview
01:46 Candy Wolf’s Story: A Financial Nightmare
11:27 Claudia’s Journey: From Academia to Financial Independence
20:33 Amy’s Insights: Empowering Women in Financial Services
28:56 Quickfire Questions and Final Thoughts
Have questions? Click this to check out our expert Q&A for tips from industry experts, tailored to help women address their most common financial concerns.
Subscribe to our newsletter to receive financial tips delivered weekly here!
(This transcript was generated using AI, so please excuse any misspellings or errors)
[00:00:00]
Maggie: We did it. Name that movie Mom.
Barb: Oh, I know this movie. It is,
Maggie: She doesn’t have it. She doesn’t have it. You know it.
Barb: I do know it. It is of Legally Blonde. yes, legally blonde and, wait, I have to throw my cap up right?
Maggie: Exactly. But we did it 100 episodes. I did not. Think we get this far. Most podcasts don’t.
Barb: High five. Ready? Go. We did it. Yes.
Maggie: we’ve had some great guests. gone from just audio to audio video. We got some great clips now and it has been so fun. This is one of my favorite things for us to do
Barb: I know you love it.
Maggie: chit chat.
Barb: I’m curious about people, what they do, why they do what they do, their stories learning from other people and their experiences and really honoring their stories. And that’s what’s been so fun for me. And just being able to be in a place where we can just ask people a lot of questions [00:01:00] about them.
Maggie: I know we’re great at, I mean, people tell me all the time, I ask too many questions, so this is the perfect place to do it. You know, you’re just interviewing people all the time and out of the a hundred episodes, all of them have been fantastic. I mean, they really have, but there are a couple that rose to the top.
People love their stories are incredible, and so we thought. For a hundredth episode. Why just have two women when we can have five women on the
Barb: Right? Mm-hmm. Celebrate all women. Build our web, lift all boats,
Maggie: exactly. Exactly. So today we have three amazing women, candy, Claudia and Amy coming on, reiterating part of their story, talking about how important knowing their finances was for these different situations, and again, talking about that shit we need to be talking about. So I’m just so excited to be here, to have a hundred episodes, to have this episode with three amazing women and for the next a hundred episodes.
Barb: I know I, I love this episode so much. I love the courage these women had to step forward. I love the [00:02:00] vulnerability of them telling their stories and the fact that What you’re gonna hear today is really encapsulates why purse strings exists, why we’re here built by women for women, so that all women, no matter where you are in your life, no matter what problems or celebrations you are going through at your point in time, we’re here to help you live of a life full of joy and choices so that you can live and be financially fearless.
Maggie: And so if you wanna celebrate with us, the biggest gift would be leaving a review. That would be amazing. Just either drop the five stars, or if you’re feeling a real giving, leave a little commentary down there, but. We would absolutely love it and it’d be the greatest way for us to celebrate is with just a really loving review.
If it’s a bad review, keep it to yourself. We don’t wanna hear it, but only good reviews here. And so that would be the greatest way to celebrate. But let’s just start in and dive into this [00:03:00] episode as number a hundred. It’s pretty great one.
Barb: Let’s get
started.
Gloria Steinem once said, we will never solve the feminization of power until we solve the masculinity of wealth. Barbara Provost and Maggie Nielsen are the team at purse strings that will help you navigate the ins and outs of financial independence so that you can be financially fearless. This is women in money, the shit we don’t talk about.
Barb: All right, so this is our 100th episode of Women and Money, the shit we don’t talk About, and the episode brings together three incredible women with three different journeys, all pointing to one big truth that when life throws us the unexpected. How do you financially prepare [00:04:00] and respond? So on our podcast today, we are bringing you three amazing women to share insights from their own stories. We’ve had them on our podcast before they, their stories have resonated with our female audiences, so we’ve invited them back to share another blurb about their stories so women can hear them again, learn from them, and perhaps you’d wanna go back and listen to their episode again.
There are powerful stories, there are stories we can all learn from, and there are stories that really resonate with why purse strings is in existence. We’re about. Women helping women getting in front of any financial concerns, questions, planning that you may have so that you can live a financially fearless life full of choices.
So with that, I would like to introduce to you Candy Wolf Candy. Go ahead and share your story.
Candy: All right. Well thank you again for having me today. I appreciate it. I’m Candy Wolf. [00:05:00] I am a mother of three grown boys and my story begins in January of 23, my husband and I went to Cabo to celebrate my 50th birthday. ’cause Cabo is our, heaven on earth, I guess we always would call it.
So it was where we wanted to go and try to reconnect. My husband had been laid off, so he hadn’t been working some previous years before. Just a little backstory. So, you know, we go to Cabo and we have a decent week and it gets to be, we’re supposed to come home January 28th and the morning of January 27th, I woke up and I’d found that he had passed in the middle of the night. So here I am, it’s just the two of us in Kabul, I don’t speak English, and my husband had passed. So you know, I call down to the front desk frantically screaming, you know, my husband’s not breathing, he’s dead. They send up security people. They announce, you know that [00:06:00] he is dead.
And then. Pretty much from, I mean, that was hell right there, but then it just went spiraled from there. The police ended up stealing everything from me, like all of my cash. They stole value, anything of valuable in our room. So then I ended up actually in the police station, you know, being interrogated for a few hours, even though they had already done the autopsy, so they knew how he had passed.
So really it was four days. Of hell there not even realizing what I was gonna go home to as well. So, being by myself down in Mexico, my youngest, my two youngest were back at home. So here I am stressed about what I’m gonna do down there and then, you know, I have kids to take care of at home. So when I got it was four days and I finally was given the right to be able to fly home, I had him cremated.
Which was a whole nother financial issue when you’re [00:07:00] trying to pay for something with credit cards and you’re overseas. All the credit cards kept declining because they had no idea, you know, that I was trying to charge $1,700, you know, in Mexico. So trying to deal with that. But then the real financial nightmare actually started when I got back home.
My youngest was a junior in high school. And I had always asked my husband financially like where we were, you know, over the last few years. I knew it was tight, but I always asked, where are we financially? What do we need to do? And I was told, don’t worry about it. Finances are fine. Once I get a job, I’m gonna put the money back.
Don’t worry about it. So we had a very traditional marriage. I didn’t worry about it. I went off to work and figured he knew exactly what he was doing. When I re got back home, I had a stack of mail, obviously that I was going through and [00:08:00] I got one from our financial planner and I thought, oh my gosh, this is the first time I’m actually gonna know how much money I have, you know, where my kids and I are gonna actually sit.
Because that was the one thing my son asked me when I walked through the door from cobble crying is. Mom, do we get to stay at home? Do we get to stay in our home? And I’d said, you know what? I will do anything and everything to keep us here. Little did I know, you know what was gonna happen, but when I opened that piece of paper or the envelope, I saw a $60,000 check and the page below it with big red letters, I, it’s still in my head today.
It’s account closed right then and there, like my heart sunk. I had $60,000 to my name to be able to pay the bills and raise my kid. And I wasn’t making a ton of money ’cause my husband had always been [00:09:00] the breadwinner and he had always made very good money, so I never had to worry about it. Well come to find out, so I have $60,000.
Great. But people keep telling me, I need to pay my mortgage. I need to pay the utilities. Well, I had no idea. I couldn’t get into his cell phone. I couldn’t get into his computer. Everything is electronic. I didn’t even know who to pay the mortgage to. And thank goodness my son was able to help me dig through things to find out who I need to pay the mortgage to.
My name was on the deed. Thank God it was not on the mortgage. But utilities, my name wasn’t on any of it. And then when you go to the bank to let them know your husband is deceased, they stopped payment on every single automatic withdrawal. So therefore nothing was getting paid. And I had no idea. I mean, they do it for your safety, which I get, but it added a [00:10:00] whole nother layer of stress.
So not only am I. Grieving the loss of my husband trying to plan a funeral. I’m also dealing with this financial nightmare of how am I gonna survive? How am I going to pay these bills? And, you know, what bills do I owe and how am I gonna figure out how to pay them? So it literally was weeks of my dad and I sitting, going through banks, you know, printing out bank statements, trying to highlight.
Okay, well this is who your gas is through. This is who you need to pay the electric, you know, getting your name put on stuff. Well, when you pass away in another country, you get, I had a Mexican death certificate. I didn’t have a US death certificate, so then I couldn’t really do anything until the embassy released a US death certificate to me.
So my hands were tied. [00:11:00] Even more so, and we did have life insurance, but it took months for that to come through. So literally I was stressed for months on, you know, figuring $60,000 is not gonna last a long time. You know, especially when, you know, my youngest was playing club volleyball and you know, just getting ready for college.
So you have all these other things in your mind as well as how am I just gonna live day to day today? And it was an absolute nightmare. It was a learning experience. And I. I had my head buried in the sand. That’s about the best way I could put it. And I am so frustrated with myself that’s what I did.
I just lived, you know, I worked, I spent my money however I wanted to, I didn’t save. And then your world literally gets pulled out from underneath you and you don’t even know where to [00:12:00] turn. And that’s, you know, where I was for months of just trying to. Figure everything out. And then as well, having to go back to work right away because I had to pay the bills.
Barb: And so Candy, that $60,000 was your total assets in terms of your retirement savings and all of that,
Candy: Everything. Yeah, it was, everything was gone. That 60,000 was it?
Yeah.
Maggie: So what
did you learn about kind of like money and yourself during this time?
Candy: I learned that I was not diligent with my money, that I just kind of, you know, like a kid felt like, well I get paid every couple weeks and I was responsible for the kids. My husband was responsible for the bills. And I was so frustrated with myself that I actually got to that point in life that, you know, here I was 50 years old and.
I didn’t have a penny to my name [00:13:00] because I wanted a new purse. I went and bought it. I, the kids wanted, new outfit. I went and bought it. I never even thought about my future and saving. I always, it’s my husband’s job. He’s the one who’s doing it. He’s taking care of the retirement, so, yeah, I learned that I was very stupid for one, and that I don’t want anybody else to be in the situation that I’m in. I guess that’s the biggest thing is it was so stressful. It was so hard, and if I can help somebody, open their eyes, then I feel like it, it’s worth what I went through.
Barb: Yeah, and I think a lot of women are gonna learn from your story. And I know you wrote a book Lost and Found in Mexico really explaining your story, and you spoke at our event and really talked about the need of learning about your money being partners in having those conversations. And realizing that, you need to really learn about where your money’s going and all of that.
But you know, don’t be so [00:14:00] hard on yourself. It’s not unlike many women. We were not taught financial literacy in school and, money was taboo to talk about. And I think many of us are raised in that situation and too often are found ourselves in situations like that. And that’s why we have purse strings is so that women can come to a safe.
Place to start learning what they need to know to make smart financial decisions. And your story’s a powerful one. We’re so glad that you’ve come forward and shared it. It’s a very vulnerable story. But thank you for being here. Let’s circle over to Claudia now, Claudia, you also have a very powerful story that we would like you to share with our audience as well.
Claudia: Yeah, thank you. So I am from Germany. I used to be a professor of linguistics, taught English as a second language and linguistics classes. Because I was told early on that I. I couldn’t be in the financial services industry, which I had wanted to do after graduated from high [00:15:00] school because I was a woman and this was a mints industry.
And what was I thinking? So I was basically told my financial services industry career would end up as a bank teller because I would get married and have children. So I didn’t know how to get in. In Germany. It’s a very different system. I didn’t wanna go to another bank where I had started to hear the same message.
So I went into academia and then came over here as a research scholar to teach classes, and then met my now ex-husband. He was also, a professor at the same university and we fell in love. And we had four boys in four and a half years. He wanted a big family. I wanted to go back to work after having twins, but I gave in and had more kids.
I’m glad I had them all. I loved them all. However, I kept my foot in the door because I always wanted to go back to work. ’cause I felt really strongly there’s more to life than. Being in the house with kids, and I didn’t get all this education for nothing. And then the marriage kind of started [00:16:00] eroding because it felt like a moving target.
I felt like I could never do anything right. And so I wrestled for a long time with what was going on and figuring out. What’s happening in my marriage. And I grew up with this idea that, you know, you persist, you work things out in the marriage. And I was very loyal and grew up with this idea that you owe your children a home with two parents.
And so years after years of trying and constantly running into a moving target, I started journaling. And that really helped me gain a lot of clarity about what was happening in my life because I would write down things that had happened in the household every day, and then I would revisit my entries later with some distance and then kind of saw what was actually happening in my life.
And it was really through that clarity. Through the journaling and also reading some books about that. [00:17:00] Friends of mine had suggested I read to, you know, gain some clarity that I realized I wasn’t doing my boys any favor by staying in a relationship, because I felt like I wasn’t aligned anymore with where I was.
And it wasn’t a good relationship model for the boys. And so realizing that I also became increasingly worried that from feeling eroded and stressed out from what was going on in the marriage, I would eventually get sick and I couldn’t be the best mom for my children. And I, I. I might also even not be around at some point because what if I got sick and died?
Because I was just totally stressed out and eroded all the time. So it was really through the journaling that I gained this clarity that I had to get out. And I just, I didn’t know how, because my boys were, I had four boys in four and a half years. So when I realized I had to get out my youngest one.
Was two. And you know, then [00:18:00] it took some time to figure out, well, how am I gonna do this with four boys? I don’t really know, but I just know that I have to get out because it’s just not a good role model for my children. And so I got to, through the journaling and the clarity that I gained from that, I got to this.
This clarity that if I owed my children anything, it was not necessarily a home with two parents living together, but a supportive childhood where they could thrive and an environment where I could be the best mom for them and be that supportive grounding rock for them.
Maggie: And so I know from there you kind of had a story about your ring, which was such a smart move. Can you kind of share that with our audience?
Claudia: Yeah. So once I realized that I needed to make a change, it took me some time to identify an attorney that I felt comfortable with, but I had no idea how to retain him because my boys were very little. So I was working very part-time teaching [00:19:00] sporadically here and there just to keep my foot in the door.
I didn’t have any savings. I didn’t have any control over the money. No say no seat at the table in any. About any financial things. So I knew I had to retain an attorney and get out, but I didn’t know how. And so as the marriage continued to become increasingly contentious, I found myself looking at my wedding ring one day and thinking, what meaning does this even still have on my finger?
And then it was really that moment that I realized. Well, maybe this is my way out. So I decided to take it to a jewelry and diamond store the next day and had it appraised to see what it was worth. And it was valued slightly higher than the retainer that I needed for the attorney. And so I negotiated with them about.
Creating synthetic stones that looked identical, so I wouldn’t raise any suspicion at home with the ring off my finger. And I had to wait three weeks [00:20:00] for the stones to be cut just right. And so I went back three weeks later, switched out the original stones for the synthetic stones and walked out with my big check.
And then the next day I took the big check to the attorney. Then he started the divorce proceedings and I honestly had no idea what the path ahead would look like, but I just knew in my heart that moment that it was the right thing just to take that first step.
Maggie: That’s so clever.
Barb: It is brilliant when you think about it, right?
Maggie: Yeah.
Barb: I mean, we share that story, Claudia, because so many women feel stuck, you know, like in your situation and think about it. You’re such a bright, talented, smart woman, but you found yourself in a situation where you really needed to be creative to get out, right?
And your hands were tied, but you thought outside the box and you took that brave step [00:21:00] and you did it, and you got out. And I think it’s just a brilliant story of, you know, heart and soul for your children and to really do what you needed to do to move your life forward. So bravo.
Claudia: Thank you.
Barb: Yeah.
Maggie: so what has your relationship with money look like since then?
Claudia: Well, to be honest, for quite some time it was, I had a challenging relationship with money because the divorce took two years and then it was followed by an appeals court case that took another four years. And it was really challenging to live on the small amount of support I was getting in the small amount of income I was making from teaching at the time.
So I really took a deep dive into what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to make an impact and help other people and create something bigger than myself that something bigger than myself that the boys could also benefit from. And it was really during this time that I found my way back to my earlier passion for the wealth management [00:22:00] industry.
And I was determined that I was gonna succeed and that I was gonna reclaim the financial independence that I had before my marriage. And I think it’s really through the relentless challenge of having to be resourceful and dealing with such uncertainty and so little to get by on for such a long time that I’ve developed a really.
Resilient and optimistic relationship with money. And I truly think that my resourcefulness and reinvention of myself to take control of the things that I can control come from a deep conviction that scarcity is a teacher, not a curse. And when I look back. You know, somehow it always worked out. So somehow the resources I needed at certain times just showed up.
So, for example, I got an unexpected tax refund when I had a big bill to pay that I couldn’t otherwise have paid. And so there were other examples like that, and they’ve only solidified my resilient and optimistic relationship with money.
Maggie: I love that. [00:23:00] That’s amazing. And so the last question I kind of wanna ask while you’re here is, you know, what’s the biggest piece of advice you would give to women who feel that they are financially trapped?
Claudia: That’s a great question. I would say ask yourself what you can do with what you have to take that first step to get out of whatever is trapping you, and then. that first step to make a change. To make a change. Because if you trust the path, you will learn the other steps along the way. You’re not gonna know when you start, but they will just show up.
Barb: Wonderful. So Amy, you gave us a whole new way of thinking about women in financial services and it’s such a natural fit. So why don’t you share a little bit about what drew you to the industry and you know, what surprised you most about it?
Amy: Sure. Thank you for having me. I’m thrilled to be here and it’s really great to meet both Candy and Claudia. I can relate in so many ways [00:24:00] to both of them. I’ve since. Being in this business for the past 17 years, I’ve had 14 either clients or spouses of clients pass away, and only one person was over the age of 60.
So that is one thing that has been very shocking. And I’ve learned so many lessons from all of these survivors. Like Claudia, when I started in the business, I had a 2-year-old son. And that motivation to learn this business, both for myself and his future and what I wanted to be able to promise him.
And also the ability to remove any sort of cap from the impact that you can have beyond just money. Those things have just stayed with me throughout the tenure of my career and I would say they just keep getting stronger. I have a very dear friend who has two grown daughters [00:25:00] and all of their lives.
She said to them, money isn’t everything, but it gives you choices. And I think for women that ability, desire, and drive to be financially independent, That doesn’t have a dollar amount attached to it. It’s a knowledge and confidence that you know how to stand on your own two feet, whether that’s within a relationship, a partnership with money, a business, your own life as an independent woman.
However, that can be realized for us as women, the need and desire from women to be in that position. I feel is just getting stronger and stronger. More and more women recognize that their ability to be their best version of themselves for their kids or for themselves, for their family, for their elderly parents, for their community, for the impact they want to have in the world, all of that gets better if they [00:26:00] financially can stand on their own.
Feet.
Maggie: Yeah it’s definitely true. And I think that’s I’m sure you’ve seen that. Yeah. Time and time again. And so how has being a woman kind of shaped your approach differently when working with clients? I.
Amy: You know, I think it, it is sometimes a male female thing and sometimes it’s not fully gender-based, but. Some people are driven by their own success, their trophies, their recognition that literally propels them forward racing to a finish line after finish line. And those people can have enormous impact on the world.
more sort of female, I guess, gendered ideas that were driven by the impact we have on others in the world. And I have seen men that exhibit those traits also. It’s not only women and there are some fiercely competitive women, but I do think we have a tendency to be fierce advocates for others.
And so for me in my career, that idea of having an impact started with being an advisor and having an impact [00:27:00] on my son. And then it grew to having an impact on my clients. And then it grew to having an impact on more women and other great people in this profession to have a stronger impact that grew to leading a firm, that grew to industry involvement.
And that grew to writing a book because you realize that as much of an impact as you intend to have, it always feels kind of small. As the universe opens up to you and you realize how many more people need your help, want your help, could benefit from the knowledge that you’ve absorbed over the years from other people, that you know that impact is a strong motivator for me.
Barb: Yeah. So tell us a little bit about your book, compound Impact, like what inspired it and what do you hope readers will take away from it?
Amy: Well, my driving, you know, force is impact on the profession and on Americans, on people being in this more solid financial position. And while it’s intimidating to many people, it really, truly is not rocket science. [00:28:00] And so compound impact is about. Our profession and how I believe we most of the time do a partial job and we can have so much of a greater impact if we can take responsibility for the potential we have for the potential impact we have.
So that you know all of the people, I’m sure Candy met many people over the course of her life, and I’m sure her husband met many people and. And for whatever reason, they, it was not front and center for them. And I think that those advisors could have done a better job of working on themselves, working on their communication, working on their ability to motivate them to sit down for five seconds and think about it.
I mean, we have licenses, we have designations, we have training, we have experience, and we live very good lives. The least we [00:29:00] can do is work a little harder to have a greater impact. And so the book is just about building trust and it’s about doing the entire job. It’s about the potential impact we can have, and it’s about being a really contributing member of your community.
In providing this confidence and accessibility to what it is we can do to help other people. So it’s for leaders in the industry, it’s for advisors, and it can help end clients also.
Maggie: I love that. And you don’t always know what the impact is you’re making sometimes when you meet people, but sometimes those little pushes really can add up and really domino effect in people’s lives. You know, if you force every meeting to have both spouses there force people to have kind of that conversation jointly.
Things could look really different for better or for worse sometimes. But just knowing and having the information yeah, it makes a huge impact. And so what do you want more women to know about financial [00:30:00] careers or kind of money in general?
Amy: Well, I think they need to know that it is accessible. As my friend said, it gives you choices and as Claudia said, things show up in your life. It’s not there. There are always resources. Whatever your career is, whatever your income level is, whatever your relationship around money with your partner or spouse is, there are resources, and we have to be sure to think that there are always choices.
One, one question I was asked, I do some work in politics trying to help our legislators understand. What it is we do and how important it is for us to have trust and not fear, right? In our relationship with the public. I had one legislative director ask me one time, she said, Amy, what do you tell people when they say, after I’ve, you know, bought my eggs and paid my [00:31:00] bills and done everything I need to do, there’s no money left to save.
What do you tell those? People, and I said, I tell them that they’re making a very big assumption. And that assumption is that every single decision they’ve made around money up until that point, is more important than their family’s financial security.
And when you think about it that way, everyone does take a pause, just like the tax refund that came to Claudia Are resources everywhere. And if you can become a powerful steward of those resources for yourself and your family. And if as advisors we can think like that, we can think about relationships with clients as not just solving for today, but solving for the next 30 years. There is really an immense amount of opportunity.
All, all through.
Barb: That’s a, that’s an amazing response. I’m gonna have to really. Write that one down and think about that more. I loved it. So thank you for [00:32:00] that. I think we’re gonna go into a quick round of asking you each a question and if you could give us a one line answer, that’d be fantastic. So, Kandy, let’s start with you.
What’s one money lesson you wish more women knew?
Candy: This is something that I learned is tracking your spending monthly making sure you know where like all your investments are and how they’re doing, and being an advocate for yourself.
Barb: Love it, Claudia.
Claudia: I would say I wish more women knew the power of taking control of their financial future by joining the conversation, because knowledge grows when you show up.
Maggie: It is good,
Amy.
Amy: spending less and paying debt, those things don’t create wealth. Wealth is created by saving money.
Barb: I love it.
Okay.
next question, Kandy, what’s next for you in your life [00:33:00] work or the impact you want to make?
Candy: Yeah, well, super excited that I just launched published. I guess my next book was yesterday. So it’s like. Thank you. It’s a grief journal to go along, like with my books. So I want people to be able to go through and journal about themselves and what they’re learning. And my impact is I want women to know that, like I said, they do have a say and they don’t have to sit back, but demand that you need to be at those financial planning meetings.
With your husband, your spouse, whoever it is, because you deserve to know it’s your money as much as it is. His
Maggie: Love it. And congrats on that grief journal coming out, I think I’ll have to journal more between that and Claudia’s perspective of journaling. I think a lot of great things are coming out. So Claudia, what’s next for you in life work or the impact you wanna make?
Claudia: Well, I’m on a mission to help more [00:34:00] women feel empowered about participating in the financial conversation. And so I wrote two books women Wealth and Winning, and on the Other Side just to get Women to. Stop being complacent and just roll up their sleeves and get to work. And I’m hoping that’s gonna help couples build stronger relationships because now there’s an actual conversation about finances and just for women to engage with financial professionals and ask questions and get going on their financial conversations and just participating in it.
Maggie: I love it. And Amy, how about you?
Amy: For me, I think I’m at an inflection point where I’ve been running fast for many years and I am trying to take a step back and look at, sometimes the greater impact that it may be possible to have if you can put your energy in the right places with the people who are most receptive to, you know, receiving your help or support towards those things.
So it’s, some of it is board [00:35:00] service. Some of it is choosing where to put mentorship. And time at work and in the community and just sort of a more thoughtful approach than maybe I’ve taken up until now and anxious to see what comes of that.
Maggie: Awesome. And our last question for all of you is, if you could go back and tell your past self one thing during your difficult season, what would it be? Candy. Do you wanna start with that one? I.
Candy: Sure. Well, one would be that you’re stronger than what you think you are. When you are at your depths of thinking there, it couldn’t get any worse. You are strong enough to get through that. And you know, two, take control of your finances. Don’t let someone else control it. And you know what? We don’t have to use.
Like now that I, my husband’s gone, I don’t have to use that financial planner. I can find one that works for me and that fits my [00:36:00] what I want and my needs. And that’s what I really want women to know, that there are so many resources out there. And just sit down with some financial planners and find the one that works for you, because that’s truly where most everything’s gonna begin moving forward with your money.
Maggie: Yeah. Awesome. Claudia, if you could go back and tell your past self one thing during that difficult season, what would that be?
Claudia: I would tell myself, you’re going to be okay. And truly not only that life on the other side of this challenge is gonna be so much more beautiful and fulfilling than you can imagine right now.
Maggie: Awesome. I love that. And Amy, I know for yours, we didn’t touch on a difficult season, but what would you tell, you know, your past self or someone who is thinking, you know, women and finances what kind of advice would you give them?
Amy: Well, just in case anyone thinks I haven’t had difficult seasons, I promise you I have. And I would say that what got [00:37:00] me through those was the idea that you need to make decisions with an idea of whether or not they get you closer to the ideal. A life that you want to be living and the place you want to be and who you wanna be as a person.
And if you look at these huge, big decisions that are overwhelming and just think like, will this decision get me closer to where I wanna be or not? And if not, just move on. You don’t even need to make the decision. If it can get you closer, move in that direction. And that concept of compound interest is not just about money.
It happens in your career, your life, your relationships. It, it has to be that you’re moving towards. Who you want to be and we as women can control that.
Barb: Yeah, that’s so true about the compound interest, that’s for sure.
This for me was such a powerful. Conversation because as I reflect on all of your stories, it really pinpoints a lot of the themes that.
we speak to around purse strings. Candy, we always talk about, [00:38:00] you know, the average age of a widow is 59.
And Amy, even with what you said, working with widows, you know, it’s young, right? Women are often. In those situations where they become widowed young. And it’s about being prepared and we’re always about the message around being prepared, getting your your pages in order, your administrative papers in order getting your estate plans in order.
Getting your powers of attorney in order. And we feel like we say this like almost like a broken record because it’s so, so important and so many people put it off or say, I’ll get to that later. And so many women will say, well, my husband handles that. But Candy, I think your story is a very powerful one that says.
You are that person and now you’re not that person because you know how powerful it is where it landed you. Right? So your story is a powerful one to women who are saying that to us and every day saying that to us. But we know that they’re gonna be at some point in a situation where they’re gonna have to step forward and take care of their financial future.
Right. And so now you’re speaking [00:39:00] with. Take care of yourself. Be in the conversation. Right. And we’re also saying, like you said, Amy, financial professionals need to be able to do their job and say, I need to meet with both parties at the table. I need to make sure both parties know what’s going on with the finances so that you know, candy, someone like you is not shocked that I have $60,000.
You shouldn’t be knowing that by opening a piece of mail. So financial professionals should be more comprehensive in their meetings. And if you’re not, we would sit at purser, say, if you’re not getting that from your financial professional, find one that will do that for you. Another stat, 70% of women leave their financial professional in the first year of losing their spouse and oftentimes getting divorced because they’ve never been.
Invited to the conversation. They weren’t aware of what’s going on. So everything that you’re telling us through these stories just emphasizes all of the statistics that we see in constantly are getting in front of women today. And your stories, although very heartbroken, heartache [00:40:00] stories.
They’re very powerful. They’re sending messages out to women that said, look, this happened to us. And it doesn’t have to. There are lots of support systems out there. There are a lot of fantastic financial professionals, Amy, like you, Claudia, like you, who really know how to help women and really help them live a beautiful life.
So congratulations to you and can. Your story and being vulnerable enough to tell it is really powerful too. So, this podcast is a powerful one. I’m going to share it. And I hope all of you will too. So I appreciate all of you coming back. And I invite you to share this with, you know, your friends, your colleagues, your sisters, your aunts, all the women in your life so that we can share this message because too many women, I I sense you, you let me know, but from my experience are saying.
I let my husband handle it. I will get to that later. Yeah.
I know I need to do that, but you know, there’s no time like the present. Right. It’s best to do it yesterday, but if you didn’t get to it yesterday, [00:41:00] let’s take care of that today. Any thoughts you’d like to add before we wrap this up?
Candy: I would love people to know that all the resources that you guys have, like when the first time we talked, I wish I would’ve had that paperwork of filling everything out. ’cause I wouldn’t have been so lost. And I direct people to you guys all the time because it’s so important that everybody knows.
Where everything is, so I appreciate what you guys are doing.
Barb: Thank you candy.
Outro: You’ve been listening to Women Money, the shit we don’t talk about. Now it’s time to take what you’ve learned and make bold moves towards financial independence. Stay in the know by joining our newsletter for exclusive tools, resources, and updates that keep you financially fearless. Head to PurseStrings. co and sign up today. Need a financial professional who gets it? Turn to PurseStrings Curated Directory, your go to resource for financial experts who know how to put you [00:42:00] first. Love this episode? Leave us a review and help us empower even more women to own their financial power. Until next time, be financially fearless.
Maggie: Claudia Porter, RFG Advisory and Purse Strings are separate and unaffiliated entities and are not responsible for one another’s policies, services, or opinions. Advisory services offered by investment advisory representatives of RFG Advisory, L-L-C-R-F-G Advisory, or RFG, our registered investment advisor.
The views and opinions expressed by Claudia Porter may not necessarily reflect those of RFG Advisory, its clients or its employees.
Amy Sallow is a registered principal and financial advisor of Park Avenue Security, L-L-C-P-I-S, osj, 200 Broad Hollow Road, suite 4 0 5. Melville, New York. 1 1 7 4 3 1 5 8 9 5 4 oh oh. Security projects and advisory services offered through [00:43:00] PAS Member Finra, SPIC, general Agent of the Guardian Life Insurance Company of America’s Guardian, New York.
New York PSA is a wholly owned subsidiary of Guardian. Forest Hill Financial Group is not an affiliate or a subsidy of PSA or guardian. CA Insurance license number zero L 4 6 0 8. This podcast is for information purposes only. Guest speakers and their firms are not affiliated or endorsed by PSA Guardian or Forest Hill Financial Group and opinions are stated on their own. 7 6 7 2 6 4 3 1 0.1. Expires 6 27.
This week, CFP® Carolyn Howard shares financial first steps for newly widowed individuals, tips on financial preparation, and more.
This week’s guest is Carolyn Howard, a certified financial planner and senior wealth manager at Accurate Advisory Group, as well as one of our Purse Strings-approved professionals. Having personally navigated the challenges of widowhood, she brings invaluable expertise to those facing the same difficult path.
After her late husband fell ill and passed away within just ten months, Carolyn faced profound grief and a sense of paralysis, even with her extensive financial knowledge. This experience fueled her passion for helping other families navigate similar situations.
Today, her mission is to guide, support, and encourage those navigating finances after loss. Tune in as she shares financial first steps for newly widowed individuals, powerful tips on financially preparing for the unknown with your partner, and ways to support loved ones through loss.
(This transcript was generated using AI, so please excuse any misspellings or errors)
Maggie Nielsen 0:00
Hello, coming up on today’s edition of Women And Money, The Shit We Don’t Talk About, our guest is Carolyn Howard.
Barbara Provost 0:07
Carolyn is a certified financial planner and senior wealth manager at Accurate Advisory Group, as well as one of our esteemed Purse Strings-approved professionals.
Maggie Nielsen 0:19
We want to have Carolyn today talk about widows and widowhood, as she also has some personal, real life experience to share.
Barbara Provost 0:28
And from her own personal experience, as well as working with many families who’ve gone through this experience, she helps coach them through these difficult times, and she’s going to share ways that we can help one another. Talk about widowhood, new terminology she’s introducing us to, as well as how friends and other family members can help support one another.
Announcer 1:02
Gloria, Steinem once said, we will never solve the feminization of power until we solve the masculinity of wealth. Barbara Provost and Maggie Nielsen are the team at Purse Strings that will help you navigate the ins and outs of financial independence so that you can be financially fearless. This is Women And Money, The Shit We Don’t Talk About.
Maggie Nielsen 1:26
Carolyn, we are so glad to come and have you here, here and share your expertise. So before we dive in, could you give a little intro of who you are and what you do?
Carolyn Howard 1:37
Okay, so as Barb said, I am a certified financial planner, but I think before all of that, I was a wife, a mother, a former classroom teacher, so I’ve had lots and lots of years of public speaking, and a little over 30 years ago, decided to become a financial professional. My career was going very well, and my late husband became ill and died within 10 months. It turned my world upside down, needless to say, and even though I was very grateful for all of my financial knowledge and experience, there was a certain level of paralysis as well as just devastation and grief that I had to go through. And grief never totally leaves us. It just changes over time. So I’ve been widowed now for a little over 16 years. I was very fortunate and blessed to have remarried another widowed Person A few years ago, and that’s part of the language change, and I’m always learning it was like, okay, so how do I explain being widowed and yet I have this husband? So even this year, I actually learned that I refer to my late husband as my deceased husband and my current husband. Doesn’t that sound weird as my living husband. So I have a deceased husband and a living husband, but it made my life much simpler. The other language that has changed is not referring so much as to widows and widowers as just widowed people are a widowed person that also just puts a big umbrella over everything, which I think makes it pretty simple. But going back to after my late husband died, the paralysis that set in and just the time that it actually took for me to cross all the t’s and dot all the eyes. And so it really became a mission for me after that to start really using my financial expertise to guide and direct and handhold and support and encourage widowed people. I will tell you that there are more widowed women than widowed men, I mean, the statistics are out there, and that hasn’t changed. I just was in a conference this summer where I did a presentation for a group called soaring spirits International. They have camp widow, and there were roughly 450 to 500 people there from all over the world. And I would say I don’t even think 5% maybe one or 2% were actually men, and the rest were women. So statistically, that is our reality. I. Um, unfortunately, women, I hope that changes, but I’m not sure it is. Culturally, we have relied on our spouses to handle money, handle our finances, which was really one of the reasons I got into the financial world. My late husband was on the faculty at MIT, and was very busy and he wasn’t doing it. I told people, I buy the books. I’d fall asleep. And I decided, seriously, I’m going, Oh, I’m never going to learn this, and it’s so boring. But with that being said, with the encouragement of my dad, who was in financial services, I decided to dive in and dive in. I did, and boy, am I glad I did.
Barbara Provost 5:47
So does that mean you were the person in the relationship that managed the money and handled the funds? Yes. Okay, cool. So may I ask you how old you were when your husband passed?
Carolyn Howard 5:59
I was in my I was 60.
Barbara Provost 6:03
Okay, because we’ve talked about this, Carolyn, that the average age of a widow is 59 and you happen to mention that you think it’s younger. Can you share a little bit about that?
Carolyn Howard 6:15
Yes, well, I can tell you some of the data that soaring spirits has done, has said the average age of widowhood is 47 to 52 and in these conferences, I also belong to another group in Lexington, Kentucky, and it’s also a national group called Never Alone widow. And I look around, we have about 35 members locally, and I look around at that group, and boy, do they fit that 47 to 52 year old profile.
Barbara Provost 6:49
That is so young.
Carolyn Howard 6:53
It is so young. And I’m currently working with some young widows that are in their 30s with young babies. I mean, it’s, it’s, it’s very emotional and very sad. I felt at least grateful that my children were adults when their dad died. But, you know, it’s an initiation by fire and and there’s all kinds of deaths, there’s sudden deaths, there’s suicide, there’s murders, there are, you know, cancer deaths, other illness deaths. It’s an indiscriminate group. I mean, death doesn’t discriminate. I mean, we’re all subject to it. And as women, I think it’s critically important to be aware of what the possibilities are out there, even if you’re not widowed,
Maggie Nielsen 7:52
Yeah. I mean, just knowing some of those numbers, there’s so much we, you know, just getting, like, the wills and the power of a state, and, you know, I’ll get there, I’ll do that, or it’s too early, you know, and it’s and it’s not, because you just never know. And so there’s a big reason why there’s some of the stuff that we shouldn’t put off, push off, because it could be too late. Because, like you said, you know, death does not discriminate, and so you never know. You know what could be around the corner, and we don’t want to, it’s just, it’s just the truth of life.
Carolyn Howard 8:19
It is, and you don’t have to necessarily be morbid about it at all. It is our reality. And how do we prepare ourselves from the time that we are young adults or even, you know, my son is my business partner, and he’s been really good about educating his daughters, who are young adolescents at this point about finances. He even teaches a finance class to their school. So
Maggie Nielsen 8:49
I love that. And so I mean, like you were saying, how, how can women kind of prepare themselves for widowhood? Or what are some common mistakes that you do see out there that women can kind of, you know, prepare themselves and avoid those mistakes.
Carolyn Howard 9:03
Well, I think the best thing that they can do is sit down with their living spouses and pick their brains, get all the information they possibly can. I was talking to a woman in Sarasota this last spring, and she said her husband kept telling her, please, please sit down and talk to me. Let me tell you everything where we are. She goes, I’m just gonna let you handle it. I’m bored. That stuff drives me crazy. I don’t want to try to understand it. Well, guess what? Her husband got covid and died in four days and and boy did she learn by fire. So I would say, do not put off today, what you need to do today, or to put off tomorrow, what you need to do today, because there’s no more important time. And I will share this that. Toward the end of my late husband’s life, his I had done our taxes, I managed our household finances. I had been in financial services at that point for 15 years. I knew everything financially about what we needed to have done and did. And boy, was I grateful. But at the end, he said, I asked him if he was anxious about the days ahead. And he said, No, I’m not. I just missed the thoughts of missing you and and then the other thing he said, though, he said, I just think you will be better able to handle this and I would have been so it’s not always the woman in the dark, and he wasn’t in the dark at all about our financial situation. It’s just that he didn’t have the micro version of it. Yeah, so,
Maggie Nielsen 10:55
And I think there is that sense of relief knowing that they’re set up, that they feel prepared, that, you know, I left that person in the best situation I could. And, you know, all of that was kind of taken care of, because, you know, it’s hard leaving anyone behind. So being able to, yeah, knowing that they’re prepared and secure kind of in that way, is really a blessing. Yeah,
Carolyn Howard 11:17
Now it is. And women in particular, just cannot be prepared enough for these life experiences. In my opinion, when a doctor tells you to get your affairs in order, you better do it.
Barbara Provost 11:31
Yeah, and that’s a scary place to start right after a conversation like that, because your mind is going 1000 different places. So we are always at purse strings, providing tools and resources and information and calls to action for women to really get their paperwork in order know where the documents are, and we have tons of tools that can help them do that. And like Maggie was saying, too many people think I’ll get to that later or tomorrow. And really it’s not that complicated to meet with an attorney to get your powers of attorney and a will in place, and meet with the financial professional and get all of your documents in order, and then it’s you know that you’re okay. Everything’s set. You know who to call. You know who to go to. So what are some I know you work Carolyn a lot with widows. What are some tips you would give women today in order to not be overwhelmed? But you know, make a an easy to do list, if you will.
Carolyn Howard 12:34
Well, I’ve actually created an easy to do list, and it can be electronic, and if someone wants a copy of this, they can certainly sign up for our newsletter that we are just launching this month, called hopeful ever after. And if they subscribe to the newsletter, then they get a copy of our love letter. If you’ll hold on a second, I’ll show you what it looks like. I have my own
Maggie Nielsen 13:04
And of course, it’s going to be in the in the show notes to grab that link so you can download this as well.
Carolyn Howard 13:09
Yeah, let me just I know, I put it in here this morning. Hopefully I’ve got a copy of it, but it’s and if I don’t, I will send a copy. But the point being is that it’s it’s actually you can do it electronic, or you can actually do it handwritten. I’m a handwriting kind of person. At the back of that love letter is our checklist for widowed people to make sure that they have done all of the things that they need to do, because it’s super important that they know how to proceed. And there is so much wrong information out there. So I’m going to give an example at the conference this summer, at soaring spirits at Camp widow, a woman, one of the things that people need to do when they’ve been widowed is get appraisals for their homes. So if you have a home that’s jointly owned, which most of us do if we’re if we have a spouse or a partner, you need to get that house reappraised. And the reason being is the the person that has died will get a date of death stepped up value on that property. So in my case, we had not, we hadn’t been in our house for 37 years, and we didn’t pay a whole lot of money for that. So we got the house appraised when he died, or I did, and depending on where you live, that’s not an expense, it’s 250 or $500 for an independent appraisal. So I had done something, and we’d put the house in his name, because we had time. Now. Everybody has that time. But even if you haven’t had that time, half of the value of that house gets a new date of death value called cost basis. And so if you decide to sell that house, you have two years to get up to a $500,000 capital gains exemption. If you wait beyond that, it’s 250,000 but you can start doing the math. This is tax planning. So in this presentation I did this last summer, this woman raised her hand. She actually worked with an attorney to get her things sorted out, and nobody ever told her to get her house reappraised.
Barbara Provost 15:41
I never heard of that.
Maggie Nielsen 15:43
Yeah, this is news to me as well, which is, is not surprising, as we always say. You know attorneys, they know the law where you need a financial professional or a tax professional to know some of these financial and tax ins and outs, and that’s why it does take that financial team. But I’m so glad you mentioned that, as that’s something I had no idea about either.
Carolyn Howard 16:03
Well guess what? That’s in our checklist on our love letter. So people really should check out the love letter, yeah, and subscribe to the newsletter, because then they’ll have access to that and at the back of our love letter, it actually has a checklist. That checklist was born out of my experience and the experience of my widowed clients about all the things that need to be done, and a lot of it is financial and tax planning, which is critical. So the number one thing that I tell everybody, whether they’re widowed, have a spouse that’s ill, a partner that’s ill, or everybody’s healthy. Get your affairs in order. Make sure all your T’s are crossed and all your eyes are dotted, and use professionals. Do not try to do this yourself. It’s just, it’s not, doesn’t make sense to do it yourself, and I would ask questions. You know, take a love letter to your other professionals. Let them see the checklist. Pass that on to them, because they don’t always have that information.
Unknown Speaker 17:23
Purse Strings offers an available for hire network of vetted professionals who specialize in serving women. When you have a life event that has suddenly made money a priority, you can now move forward with a whole new confidence that you’re getting advice and services from Savvy professionals who are uniquely equipped to serve your needs. Go to purse strings.co and use our directory of hand picked financial professionals when you’re ready to plan for retirement, navigate divorce, buy your next home, fire up your new business and more, go to purse strings.co or check the link in the show notes. Now you can be financially fearless.
Maggie Nielsen 18:06
I feel like you just sharing that information and using a professional I mean, you don’t know what you don’t know. So you wouldn’t even ask about your taxes and your house reassessment, because you wouldn’t know to ask that, right? I mean, that didn’t cross my mind. And so especially when you’re going through such emotional, you know, time, those things are not going to be top of mind at all. And so, I know there’s a couple, like, more things on your checklist, but if you find yourself suddenly widowed, like, what are some of those first financial things you should think about, versus some of those things that should really, you know, wait a little bit of time.
Carolyn Howard 18:40
Well, I don’t think any big decisions need to be made, but some of the important things that I think people need to think about, I don’t think it’s necessary to necessarily identify or notify your credit card companies, your banks, your mortgage company, all of that, as long as you’re paying your bills and you’ve got everything in order, I think just let that be. And there’s some reasons for that. So let’s take a credit card. I’m going to go back to the woman from Sarasota, Florida, that said she her husband kept bugging her, and she kept ignoring that. She called and notified her credit card company. Right away, her husband had opened up the credit card and put her on as a joint user. As soon as she called the credit card company, they shut the account down. She had she said I had enough points on that card that I could have replaced all the appliances in my kitchen.
Maggie Nielsen 19:51
Oh my God.
Barbara Provost 19:54
And so she had no access.
Carolyn Howard 19:55
She had no access. She couldn’t even use the credit card. So. So I say, take a breath. Get death certificates. Contact your professional, you know, contact somebody like myself that has gone through this, that knows the ins and outs and what you should be doing and what you should be thinking about. And don’t take no for an answer from anybody, get a team of people, whether it’s your accountant, your attorney, your financial professional. Another example is I had a client in California, and as I was walking her through her newly widowed position, one of the things I told her she really needed to do was to get her brokerage accounts reassessed by her broker, so again, to get a date of death stepped up value. Well, California is a community property state, and if that’s a joint account at the first death, 100% of those accounts get a date of death stepped up value. So if she decides to change her investment strategy months later, she doesn’t have the same kinds of tax implications that she would that her broker said, Oh, well, that’s not something we really get into. I said to her, it’s a requirement. He’s got access to this. Don’t take no for an answer. So that was an example of her reaching out to me as a good friend when she told me her husband had died. I had babysit her daughter when I was in college, so we’d stayed in touch all these years, and I handheld her through that entire process, what she should do, how she should do it, get her house appraised, and I just It’s been two years this week that her husband died, and I got a text message from her. She said, Carolyn, everything you said in the conference this summer, everything on that checklist, you handheld my hand and walked me through every bit of it. I could not have done this without you.
Barbara Provost 22:09
Wow, good for you. Well, that’s fabulous that she had you there. And we need more women to know that there are financial professionals out there with this type of experience. I mean, unfortunately, you you did go through becoming a widow, now remarried, but you’ve been through the process. And do you know the ins and outs as a financial professional? That’s fantastic.
Maggie Nielsen 22:34
Do you? Did you have a financial professional on your side when you became a widow? Or is that something that you navigated by yourself since you were a financial professional?
Carolyn Howard 22:43
Well, for the most part, I did have an accountant. I had an estate planning attorney. When my late husband got his diagnosis of brain cancer, I contacted the family, and my next stop was with my estate planning attorney said, Do we have everything in place? And that’s when we made a decision to change the ownership of our home from being jointly held to being put into his trust. So at his death, I got 100% date of death stepped up value. And so when I sold it, and I sold it within two years, I not only had that new date of death value, but I also had that $500,000 exclusion on capital gains, so I paid no taxes. If I had not gone through that process, I would have owed probably more, I don’t even over 100 to $200,000 in property tax or in capital gains tax.
Maggie Nielsen 23:56
Wow. And I think that’s just a great example of, you know, even professionals have their own team, of course, absolutely, because there’s so much mental going on, you know, just being having that grief, that you can’t navigate all of that, but also that these professionals end up paying for themselves. I mean, if they didn’t mention that to you, and you had to pay all those taxes, that would have been huge, you know, but they the couple $1,000 you paid to confirm that estate plan to get everything locked down ends up just paying for itself time and time again.
Carolyn Howard 24:27
Well, and I will say this when it came time for taxes, for me to file my taxes. And by the way, the first year after being widowed, you still get to file jointly. If you’ve got dependent children, you can do that for two years. So after that, your whole tax world turns upside down. But my tax professional, I ended up having to get him connected with my estate attorney, because he thought I was going to owe taxes. So for. Me, it’s just really important to have that team building, which I believe is what Purse Strings is trying to do.
Maggie Nielsen 25:10
Yeah. Definitely. And then, you know, we wanted to ask you, with all, with all of your experience, if you have a, you know, a friend or a loved one who just became widowed, you know, what are some really best ways to help support as as that outside loved one, as a friend in that time?
Carolyn Howard 25:28
Well, first of all, it’s not a scary place, and I think a lot of people have a problem and try to avoid dealing with it. Having gone through it, it’s really easy for me. So I think the first thing I have done with friends and family is just to acknowledge their loss, encourage them that you promise it’s going to get better, but that’s not something they need to hear at the moment, and it’s just either virtually or physically hold their hand and walk them through that process and help them to feel not alone and just be there for them if they’re nearby, take food. When I was newly widowed, I had a group of women that totally surrounded me, and I was so grateful for that. I’ll never forget one night I’d just come home from work, and this friend called. She said, What are you doing? I said, Well, I just got in my sweatpants, and I’m getting ready to sit down and eat some soup. She said, Get over here. We’ve got a group here. You’re going to have dinner with us. And it’s the little things like that that makes such a huge difference. And all I could think of was, oh my gosh, when her husband died, I didn’t know to do all of that. I feel terrible. But instead of dwelling on that, it’s just pay it forward and make sure that you do that for people and help them to feel that you’re there for them, and then as they inch toward weeks, months, then, and hopefully just weeks then, that’s a place that I just hand them my love letter, mail it to them electronically, send it to them along with a checklist, because they need a map. We all need maps, and this is a way of providing a map. So you know, please reach out for that love letter and checklist. Because even if you’re listening to this and you’ve got a spouse that’s well and alive, it’s a guide for knowing what you’re going to need to have prepared for yourself, especially as women, and not just women, but occasionally there’s a spouse or a male partner that needs that same guidance.
Barbara Provost 27:56
Absolutely. This has been such a wealth of information and insight to a topic that a lot of people don’t like to talk about, it’s sad. But what we want to do here at purse strings is really make sure women are in front of any situation that they may encounter by having their wills, powers of attorneys, having their financials in order and just knowing where the money is and where it’s going, so that they don’t have to start dealing with all these questions and concerns, should something happen. So Carolyn, we can’t wait to publish this and make sure that we get that link to your love letter, which I think will be so fantastic, just for, like you said, everybody just to have in their hands and take a look at and make sure they can maybe pass it on to someone who may need it just in time. So this has been great. Thank you for your time today.
Carolyn Howard 28:52
Oh, you’re very welcome. And there’s one more thing, please know your spouse’s passwords.
Barbara Provost 29:01
Good point.
Carolyn Howard 29:01
That is a big deal.
Maggie Nielsen 29:05
Yeah, there’s so many different passwords with the master key password to your password lock, or to your phone and your face ID,
Carolyn Howard 29:11
Yeah, yeah, just you can’t be over prepared. Yeah. Thank you so much, yeah. And thank you all for giving me this opportunity, and if I can be of help to anyone, please reach out. I have emails, toll free numbers, cell numbers, you know, all the 9000 ways we can connect these days.
Maggie Nielsen 29:33
Awesome. Thank you so much. So thank you again, Carolyn, for coming on. Carolyn’s one of our Purse Strings-approved professionals, so the link to her web page will be in the show notes, as well as all of her contact information and a link to download that checklist as well, whether it be for you or for a friend, it’s a great resource to have in your back pocket. And remember, as always, take a little step today to have a little bit of action, whether that be scheduling a conversation with your partner. Or sharing a password login, or, you know, getting both names on a bank account, whatever it may be, just take a small action today to help you in the future. So until then, be financially fearless.
Carolyn Howard 30:11
Thank you.
Speaker 2 30:13
Thank you. Information is for illustrative purposes only and does not constitute tax investment or legal advice, always consult with a qualified investment legal or tax professional before taking any action. Do.
Philip Weiss, CFA, CPA, RLP®, founder of Apprise Wealth Management and Purse Strings-approved professional, joins us to talk about financial planning for new beginnings, overcoming debt, the importance of early financial planning, and much more.
We’re excited to have Philip Weiss, CFA, CPA, RLP®, founder of Apprise Wealth Management and Purse Strings-approved professional, with us today. His journey into the world of finance and dedication to serving the female market is nothing short of inspiring, and we love his holistic approach to financial planning.
Phil’s dedication to helping others is deeply rooted in his personal experiences. Growing up, he experienced financial instability due to his father’s money management. This included unpaid bills, utilities being shut off, and even discovering credit card debt in his name forged by his father. Watching his mother struggle to get through that time shaped Phil’s approach to finance and inspired him to help others find financial stability.
Today, a significant portion of Phil’s client base consists of women facing new beginnings, such as divorce, widowhood, or retirement. He finds that life planning is particularly beneficial for these clients, helping them navigate their transitions with clarity and confidence. We hope you’ll join us for a powerful reminder that, with the right guidance and mindset, you can rewrite your story.
Here’s some of what we discuss in this episode:
1:20 – Phil’s background in the financial industry
3:30 – Phil’s early experiences with money
7:44 – Putting a plan in place to tackle debt
16:47 – Phil’s E.V.O.K.E. life planning process
24:49 – How Phil began working with the female market
29:13 – Phil’s tips for women experiencing life changes
Phil Weiss founded Apprise Wealth Management. He started his financial services career in 1987 working as a tax professional for Deloitte & Touche. For the past 25 years, he has worked extensively in the areas of personal finance and investment management. Phil is a CFA charterholder, a CPA, and an RLP®.
In addition, he has served as a featured media spokesperson, has written weekly commentary on market-related topics, and is a frequent podcast guest. He also continues to blog regularly for Apprise. His investment approach favors the long term, as well as assessing the value and fundamentals of the assets in which he invests.
He launched his own Registered Investment Advisor (RIA) business so he could provide financial planning, personal finance, and investment management services and education to women facing new beginnings. He believes it is a privilege to help others plan for their financial future. Please read this blog if you would like to learn more about what drove Phil to start Apprise and why he works with women facing new beginnings.
Phil grew up in Livingston, New Jersey, and graduated from Rutgers University with a BS degree in Accounting. He also attended Duke University for three years where he was a Psychology major.
He and his wife, Diana, live in Maryland and are the proud parents of four children – six if you count their two dogs. Phil enjoys spending time with his family at home, on the fields, and traveling. He likes following his favorite sports teams, cooking, and reading, too. Phil also coached many of the youth sports teams his children played for.
Today we are honored to sit down with Candy Wolff, CEO and President of “Irreplaceably You,” mother, widow, and author of the upcoming book, Lost and Found in Mexico: A Widow’s Road to Recovery. In our conversation, she shares the tragic story of losing her husband while on vacation in Mexico, and the financial difficulties and decisions that followed.
From unexpected medical bills and funeral expenses to dealing with life insurance policies, Candy’s story highlights the importance of having open financial conversations with your partner and being prepared for the unexpected. Discover the critical steps she wishes she had taken before her husband’s passing, and why having the right resources, like Purse Strings’ Family Emergency Guide, can make all the difference in times of hardship.
Join us for a powerful conversation about protecting your financial future.
Here’s some of what we discuss in this episode:
How Candy lost her husband unexpectedly on a vacation in Mexico
Being financially prepared for unexpected life events, such as the loss of a spouse
Having open and honest communication about finances within a relationship
The potential risks of identity theft and fraudulent activities when financial accounts remain unprotected after a loved one’s passing
How resources, like the Family Emergency Guide from Purse Strings, can help women prepare for unexpected financial challenges
Learn a little more about Candy:
Candy Wolff is a multi-talented professional, excelling in roles spanning marketing, sales, event management, tradeshow coordination, writing, and public speaking. Her journey began with a Bachelor of Science (BS) degree in Communications from Montana State University Billings, equipping her with the skills and knowledge to lead as the CEO/President of “Irreplaceably You.”
Mission-Driven Professional: Candy lives by the philosophy that every day presents a choice: to pick one’s attitude and make the right choice. This personal mission guides her approach to work and life, infusing positivity, empathy, and excellence into everything she does.
A Loving Mother: Candy is not only a dynamic professional but also a devoted mother to three boys. Her nurturing spirit and dedication to her family serve as a foundation for her personal and professional success.
A Woman of Faith: Candy’s Christian faith is a cornerstone of her life, guiding her values and actions in all aspects of her journey.
Passions Beyond Work: Outside of her professional life, Candy is an avid enthusiast of working out, drawn to the invigorating power of exercise. She’s equally passionate about the ocean, sun, and sand, finding solace and inspiration by the seaside.
Author and Innovator: Candy is set to debut her literary work, “Lost and Found in Mexico,” while also gearing up for the launch of “Irreplaceably You.”
Join us for a powerful conversation with Donna Kendrick, a certified financial professional with Sefton Financial, certified divorce financial analyst, and author of the book “A Guide To Widowhood: Navigating The First Three Years.” Donna’s passion lies in supporting widows through their financial journey. Having personally experienced the loss of her husband, she brings a unique perspective and empathy to her work, helping women navigate the challenging road of widowhood.
In this episode, Donna shares her journey through widowhood and how she turned this experience into a mission to empower women facing similar challenges. We discuss the emotional and financial struggles of losing a spouse, finding the right advisor after loss, and making informed decisions during life’s most challenging times.
Donna also shares more about her book, which serves as a roadmap for widows, offering practical advice, financial insights, and emotional healing strategies. Don’t miss this incredible discussion as she advocates for women to embrace the past, love the future, and take control of their financial futures.
Here are some key takeaways from this episode:
Being financially prepared for unexpected life events, such as losing a spouse, is incredibly important. Organizing your documents, understanding financial accounts, and having a clear financial picture is crucial.
Widowhood can be emotionally and financially overwhelming. Seeking emotional support through counseling and seeking financial advice from professionals specialized in assisting widows can help navigate these challenges.
Donna cautions against making impulsive financial decisions driven by emotions. Taking time to assess your financial situation and seeking professional advice can prevent regrettable choices.
Donna’s message is to embrace personal growth and not dwell on past mistakes. Each day is an opportunity to learn, grow, and make better financial decisions!
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