Litigation Vs. Mediated Divorce

The decision to get a divorce is a very difficult one regardless of the state you live in or your circumstances. You have many options and it is important to understand which process is most appropriate for your situation. Choosing to mediate your divorce vs. litigation can be a challenging one if you do not know the differences between the two. During a consultation with one of the mediators at C.E.L. & Associates, Inc, we explain in non “legalese” terminology everything you need to know to help you make an informed decision. The first step to obtaining an optimal result for your family as you start the divorce process is choosing the right process. To help you make this decision, we have compiled a list of the advantages and disadvantages of both processes. 

Litigation

Litigation is a process by which an attorney represents each party in the divorce. Each party’s attorney advises them and advocates exclusively on behalf of that person throughout the divorce process. The attorney is there to help the party resolve the case either by negotiating a final settlement agreement or, if necessary, by going to trial and litigating.

Advantages

1. Court has the power to discipline:

Some parties to a divorce deliberately abuse the process to punish the other side. Judges are empowered to cite parties for contempt if improper tactics are used. Because the judge is making decisions, you do not have to make them for yourself. If a spouse is hiding assets, litigation enables you to compel disclosure of financial records. You can also request records related to income, employment, and other facts relevant to the proceedings.

2. Avoid blame:

Your attorney is controlling the process instead of you, so your spouse cannot blame you for wanting things they may not want to give you. Your attorney can negotiate a potential settlement on your behalf. When emotions are running high, or if your spouse is a bully, it is helpful to have a strong advocate in your corner.

Disadvantages

1. Expensive:

In a litigated divorce, you will be paying attorneys’ fees not only for court appearances but also for the work they do outside the courtroom. This includes every telephone call, every email, drafting documents, conversations with your spouse’s attorney and reviewing documents. The longer the divorce drags on, the more work (and fees) you will generate for your lawyer. If the court has a busy docket, the case can be broken up and tried in bits and pieces on different days that can be separated by weeks, if not months. Decisions may be postponed even after trial.

2. Create a future adversarial relationship:

Your attorney may not do what you want him or her to do and this might create an adversarial relationship with your spouse, making it difficult to negotiate and solve problems in the future. You and your spouse may not feel committed to the results because of a lack of participation in the process, and bitterness fostered during the proceedings or lack of fairness in the result.

3. Time-consuming:

There are many steps involved in a litigated divorce with lawyers, and the steps vary from state to state and couple to couple. Often, a party may not want to follow a judge’s orders if they feel it was unfair, against their interest, or simply do not feel like it. If an agreement cannot be reached on one or more of the issues using this approach, the divorce will continue through the family court system. Enforcing court orders can be expensive and emotionally taxing. This process typically takes longer than a mediated divorce. 

Mediated Divorce

Mediation is a unique alternative to litigating your divorce. It provides a gentler, more efficient approach to navigating the sometimes tricky legal process of divorce. It usually ends up being less stressful, less costly, and easier for the entire family to move forward. It is more efficient, costs less, and empowers you to make decisions for your children and your finances.

Advantages

1. Flexible in nature:

Due to the more relaxed, facilitated process, the lines of communication are kept open and allow for brainstorming of unique solutions to solve any contingency. This flexibility allows for a cooperative approach rather than a combative atmosphere where everyone is left feeling exhausted and dissatisfied. As mediation offers creativity and flexibility, if you and your partner agree on the details and your mediator feels that it is fair, you can pretty much dictate how you want to split the assets and handle parenting issues. This assumes that the mediator believes a judge would approve of the settlement you create.

2. Improves communication:

Mediators are specially trained to diffuse highly-charged situations and are able to soften intransigent emotions and remove blocks to an agreement. Communication between the parties cannot improve when they battle through their attorneys’ voices and become afraid they may say the wrong thing. Without communication, no one has an opportunity to explain themselves, their reasoning behind what they want or need, or even to apologize or admit they may be wrong. Mediation encourages expression of emotions, reasons behind a position and ongoing communication, thereby encouraging a better future for all parties involved.

3. The parties are in charge:

The mediation process allows you to be the architect of your life and that of your family going forward. It gives you control over the process. You will have learned a new language of compromise and how to navigate adversity with your former spouse. The premise is to promote friendly cooperation that is mutually beneficial to everyone. The mediator’s job is not only to help with agreement over terms of the divorce but also to remove emotion from the process and help both sides behave rationally. The trickle-down benefit to the children is immense. In choosing mediation, you will endorse a positive process rather than burning bridges that might damage your family going forward.

Disadvantages

1. No legal advice during sessions:

Mediators do not give you legal advice. When you do not have an attorney, no one is looking out for your best interests, just the mediator looking out for everyone’s. No one is advising you so you can make the best decisions for yourself. Mediation requires you to do homework and advocate for yourself in the process. If your spouse is hiding assets, the mediator may never find out. If you have an attorney representing you, the attorney can use the discovery process and an independent investigation to determine whether your spouse is hiding assets. You may, however, have an attorney advising you behind the scenes and educating you about the law as you go through mediation.

2. Possible lack of cooperation:

If you do not employ a skilled mediator, the lack of cooperation by either party may result in an impasse. Mediation relies on the cooperation of both parties for mediation to work. If the parties involved in mediation are not able to compromise, the process may not be successful. It is scary to be your own voice and ask for things from your spouse. It is possible for mediation to end without the parties successfully reaching a settlement agreement. Either party may go back on agreements. The agreements are not legally binding until you go to court and have the agreements signed by a judge at the prove-up. This means either party may change their mind at some point, as mediation is confidential and cannot be used in court. 

Clients who are relatively amicable/want to be amicable, are willing to negotiate and compromise, who both desire to keep their children’s best interest at the forefront of the divorce, are the ones that do best with mediation. By discussing the issues as parents, instead of litigants, you can outline the terms of your settlement, including sharing parenting time and child support, so you both can focus on what is truly best for your children. You are going to adhere to the agreements you made for yourself in mediation, and have a better co-parenting relationship going forward, as you are the ones making all decisions and have the “buy-in” to them. Litigation, on the other hand, can burn bridges with your spouse, bridges that will never be repaired. However, if your spouse refuses to cooperate, you may need to hire attorneys and proceed with litigation. Clients who are afraid of their spouse, or cannot advocate for themselves, do best with litigation. Your safety should be your number one concern, so if you are afraid for your safety, you’ll want to get an attorney instead of using mediation. The cost and control over the process should be the biggest factor for you when choosing between the two. Talk to a professional and figure out what method best suits your situation. 

If you are looking for divorce mediation and parenting coordinator services across Chicago and the surrounding areas, reach out to us at C.E.L. & Associates, Inc. Our mission is to facilitate conversations among family members during any kind of conflict or transition. Our divorce mediators primarily help couples through separation, divorce, and post-decree issues and assist with the dissolution of their marriage and re-structuring of their family unit, in a civil and private setting. We provide the tools, structure, and guidance to enable you to make informed decisions and advocate for yourself. Our compassion, experience, and style help guide our clients through any difficult situation. 

We offer services like pre-decree divorce agreements, post-decree divorce agreements, marital/family mediation, and co-mediation services to clients anywhere in Illinois, Indiana and Wisconsin.  

Rewrite Your Money Story

Let’s dive into a conversation about something that’s near and dear to my heart and yours — money. Yep, that green stuff, the moolah, the cha-ching! It’s time to chat about the business of reframing your money mindset and unlocking a world of financial empowerment.

Our money stories begin with covert messages from society, family, and culture that subtly influence us every day. Case in point: the persistent gender pay gap, hinting at the idea that women’s financial contributions come second.  Or, ads that pigeonhole women as consumers over wealth-builders, not to mention all the “girls are bad with math” baloney.  But guess what? It’s time to turn up the volume on our own voices and redefine the financial narrative written just for us.

It’s just not true – acknowledging our money stories isn’t just about counting pennies; it’s about reclaiming our power. When we unpack the stories we’ve been told, we get to flip the script and create a new tale — one where we’re the heroines of our financial journey.

At Purse Strings, we call out the systems and messaging designed to keep women underserved and ill-informed. Knowledge is the ultimate power. Now, women have a one-stop shop where they can dive into the world of personal finance, investments, and economic trends. Read through our blogs or expert advice to learn one topic at a time. 

We are here to crush gendered stereotypes. Success doesn’t have a gender, and financial prowess is your birthright. Let’s break the mold and show the world that women excel at everything, especially money matters! Besides, there is proof that women are better investors than men!

So, let’s get you rocking your financial dreams by setting clear goals that align with your dreams and desires. Grab our SMART Goals worksheet and make your 2024 goals more than just a wish! Whether it’s a travel fund, an investment portfolio, or treating yourself to something special, we can help you make those dreams a reality.

You are the average of the five people who surround you so join a tribe that cheers on your financial wins. Join our Facebook community and dive into conversations that lift you higher. Your money journey is more fun when you’ve got a network of supporters cheering you on!

Attending to your financial well-being is self-love in action. Regular check-ins, celebrations to treat yo self,  and a dash of self-compassion during financial hiccups – that’s the recipe for a love affair with your money.

Here are terrific resources you can use and places to hang out, learn, and share.

Books to Enrich Your Money:

Online Go-Tos:

Podcasts to Amp Up Your Vibes:

Welcome To Therapy-Informed

Financial Planning™

It is my honor to welcome you into a new way of thinking about and experiencing fee-only financial planning. You may have been approaching money from many different vangate points for some time, or you are just trying to keep the house of cards up and hoping this will be different.

You are welcome no matter where you are on your financial journey.

Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ is for all people with ongoing mental and relational health challenges who want a financial planner who gets it and can talk openly and honestly about how mental and relational health impacts their financial life.

Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ is for all the people out there that are on a journey of healing from a variety of trauma, abuse, neglect, and dysfunctional family experiences. They want a financial planner who gets the journey and can be a part of the community of people helping them along their path to wholeness and loving relationships.

The truth is we all have a very personal relationship with money that is profoundly impacted by our lived experiences.

As wonderful, dynamic, and, yes, sometimes hurt humans, we can have a conflicted relationship with money and the people we love. We all function along a continuum in the love and money department, and most of the people I work with would like things to improve.

Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ will provide a safe, nurturing, and supportive environment to work on your financial goals with your partner.

Why do we choose a safe, nurturing, and supportive environment for financial planning? Instead of an advice-driven, goal-driven, tough love, or in worst case scenarios a, I am the expert, and you are the incompetent financial planning client experience?

Simply stated, counseling psychology has shown me a different path. I have experienced both styles of financial planning, and the safe, nurturing, and supportive one has been the one that has helped me develop a far more balanced and healthy relationship with myself, my wife, my family, and money.

Here’s the thing, I love goals, I love advice, and I love learning. You probably do too. Yet sometimes, that is not what we need. Sometimes this is not what our partners need. At times we need love and connection before financial planning and goal-setting and help. We see love and connection as foundational to financial well-being.

Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ is about finding the middle zone between what the financial information says and what your mind/brain/body, story, intuition, family, and culture say. Financial planning can help us understand the math and likely outcomes of different financial decisions. What financial planning can’t do is tell us what is essential in our life, what we need help healing from, and when we need to make small or big changes.

Going Deeper Into Relationship and Mental Health

The study of relationship and mental health is deep and wide. We can learn countless lessons from this field and apply them to ourselves and our experiences with money and others. Healthy Love and Money specializes in understanding how our attachment styles, family systems, and interpersonal neurobiology impact our sense of self, emotions, thoughts, behaviors, and relationships in general and specifically to the totality of our financial life.

Connecting With The Parts and Whole Of Your

Financial Life

Your personal finances matter to you and the people you are connected with. None of us are born with the knowledge of how money works or the many different elements of our financial life. Seeing how all the pieces are connected is another step along the money maturity process.

Financial Planning helps us review and make decisions about the different parts of our financial life and also allows us to see how decisions in one area impact another.

The six major areas of your personal finances.

1. Cash Flow and Spending
2. Investing/Saving/Retirement
3. Taxes
4. Insurance
5. Estate Planning
6. Education Funding

Because each part is connected like a children’s mobile, change in one area can impact other areas in expected and unexpected ways. Financial planning helps to predict what will happen.

As living, breathing humans, it would be easy if this information was all taken in and processed as just facts. But that’s not it. We are humans with our own sense of self, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and beliefs about others that color how we want to organize our financial lives.

Financial planning can feel like stepping on the dreaded scale for many people and couples. What the numbers reveal can evoke anxiety, anger, regret, shame, or any other combination of uncomfortable emotions and bodily reactions.

Working with complex combinations of reactions to your financial life is why Therapy- Informed Financial Planning™ is so important. Knowing how to help people and couples with their responses to their financial information is helpful for crafting a financial plan that works for all interested people.

Bringing It All Together

Fee-Only Financial Planning + Financial Therapy + Couples Therapy

= Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™

I have built Healthy Love and Money out of my journey to understand myself, my wife, our family, and the culture that has shaped all of our financial lives. This journey has turned into my life’s work to create a new legacy for my children where we can all talk openly and honestly about our financial reality, what it means to each of us and how we can use money to live a meaningful life.

Working with countless people, couples, and families in various contexts has helped me understand the subtitles and complexities of life and money. In no way do I know every contour and subtly, but much like a brain surgeon becomes a master student of the brain, I have become a master student of people and money.

With deep knowledge of financial planning, financial therapy, and couples therapy, I combine them in a way that helps clients learn, heal, and grow toward the life they desire to live. Please remember this is an evolving and dynamic process. One I continue to be on and one I love helping other clients be on.

Common Types of Clients Who Benefit From Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™.

Financial Planners and money professionals who have a hard time working with their spouses to create a financial plan that works for their family. At first glance, this may seem counterintuitive, that financial planners and money professionals would have additional challenges with their family finances, and yet I have seen it countless times. There are very understandable psychological explanations for the added challenges that money professionals have in navigating their family finances.

Busy entrepreneurs and professionals who are experts in what they do but do not have the time or energy to sort through all the moving pieces of their finances. They often struggle to communicate the impacts of what happens in their business and how it impacts their home life. I commonly hear it’s just easier to try and make more money, then try to get my partner to change.

Mental Health professionals who have dedicated themselves to understanding the human condition and experience and yet know they know they need to understand and improve their relationship with money. Allowing someone to care for you and extend trust with your finances can be major part of your own self of the therapist work.

First-generation professionals who have crossed many visible and invisible barriers to achieve some version of success, that once they achieved it leaves them disillusioned or alienated from themselves, their family and their community of origin. They often also feel uncomfortable with their level or income or wealth.

People and couples that have benefited from counseling and therapy throughout their life, and realize they need help to tackle their financial life. They have experienced the positive impacts of therapy and counseling and want that to help them develop a financial plan that works for them.

There are many other people groups and identities not represented in these examples. Please know I am aware of this, and I invite you to reach out if you want to talk about your particular needs. If I am not the right fit, I will gladly try to help you find someone that is.

5 Frequently Asked Questions?

2. What does Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ Cost?

Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ with Healthy Love and Money is currently determined based on common tiered flat fee-only pricing models. This is a financial planning service. Please see the current fee disclosure for Healthy Love and Money. 

4. What Topics Are Covered In Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™?

In financial therapy, we commonly talk about exterior and interior personal finances. I like to think of each of them as an ingredient in a delicious recipe. Each ingredient can be combined with others and create a completely different meal.

Exterior Therapy Informed Financial Planning will look at the six major areas of personal finances. 1. Cashflow/Spending 2. Investments/Retirement 3. Taxes 4. Insurance 5. Estate Planning 6. Education Funding

Interior Therapy Informed Financial Planning will look at 1. Great Communication 2. Attachment Styles 3. Brain and Money 4. Navigating Emotions 5. Families & Money 6. Stages of Life 7. Social Class 8. Mental Health & Trauma Healing 9. Past, Present, and Future Money Experiences.

5. Will You Manage My Investments?

Yes, we can help you manage your investments, or we can offer you guidance on your investments as you manage them. Investment management services are part of our comprehensive, Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ work.

Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ loves helping clients to navigate the market and investor psychology. Being a successful long-term investor involves having a solid investment philosophy and the ability to navigate your emotional reactions to the market and your life.

We will also work on your financial identity and how you see yourself as it relates to investing. If you tend to either spend very large amounts of time on your investments or you would rather not think about it all, we will explore the origins of this and help you find a middle ground that works for you and your family.

Time For Self Reflection

I invite you to stop and take a deep breath. Notice what is happening in your body.

How has the idea of Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ resonated for you?

Notice particular places of fear, anxiety, and shame.

Notice particular places of hope, excitement, and encouragement.

Let’s Talk About Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™

If you are ready to explore Therapy-Informed Financial Planning™ and if it is right for you, let’s schedule a time to talk.

Please use this link to schedule a free 30-minute discovery call.

Wishing You Healthy Love and Money,

Ed Coambs, MBA, MA, MS, CFP®, CFT-I™, LMFT

How Do Financial Professionals Get Paid: Making Sense of Diverse Compensation Models

Ladies, let’s be honest – figuring out how financial professionals earn their keep can be a real head-scratcher! 🌟💸 With realtors, mortgage brokers, financial advisors, and money coaches all marching to their own payment drum, it’s easy to get lost in the jumble. 🏠🔑💼💡

But fear not! By gaining a solid grasp of how they’re compensated, we empower ourselves to make shrewd choices when enlisting their services.

Let’s demystify the money game! 

Knowing how financial pros get paid is vital for smart decisions and transparent money partnerships. Whether you’re dealing with a realtor, mortgage broker, financial advisor, or money coach, understanding their payment methods lets you assess their advice clearly and align your goals with theirs. Be open about asking how the professional gets paid. It’s the best way to build a trustworthy, win-win connection.

Don’t Let Fear Negotiate Your Salary

I don’t want to lose the job offer,” my niece replied when I asked her if she was going to negotiate her starting salary. “I am just happy to have an offer, Auntie K!”

Employers expect applicants to negotiate the starting salary when offering you a job. They actually offer less money, knowing that you are likely to counteroffer. So if you don’t negotiate because you are afraid, know you are leaving money on the table.

Here are 3 tips to keep in mind when negotiating a job offer:

1. It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask:

Your future employer expects you to ask for more money. Typically, men negotiate, and women accept the initial offer. By not negotiating their first salary, many women lose hundreds of thousands of dollars over their careers. Men do too, just less often. The reason is usually fear. My niece was afraid they would rescind the job offer. It wasn’t until I reminded her that they wanted her to work for them, and the worse thing that was going to happen when she asked for more money was they would say “no”. Now that is survivable, isn’t it?

2. Everything is Negotiable.

If the company truly can’t pay you more money, think about other benefits that may make the job more attractive. It may be working from home once a week, reimbursing you for a college course, or paying a larger percentage of your health benefits. I even had a friend who once negotiated Wednesday mornings off to take skating lessons! Which brings me back to tip number one – It Doesn’t Hurt to Ask!

3. Fear is Not Your Friend.

When it comes to negotiating, fear is never your friend. As the saying goes, feel the fear and do it anyway. It is natural to feel apprehensive about negotiating a job offer, but don’t let your emotional mind make decisions for you. Instead, talk to a friend, parent, or mentor. Brainstorm how to ask for what you deserve.

My niece starts her big new job on Monday. I am excited for her and very proud. She didn’t back down in her negotiations. Simply talking it out with me helped her realize just how valuable she was. And her future employer agreed!

What is your biggest fear when negotiating a job offer? How can you take steps to overcome this fear and realize your true value?

Why Hiring a Financial Advisor is Crucial for Your Financial Future: Meet Our Vetted Female-Focused Professionals at Purse Strings

Hiring a financial advisor is as crucial as consulting a skilled mechanic regarding your car. While some of us may tinker with our vehicles, if we make mistakes or break something, the consequences are often minimal and can be repaired. However, when it comes to managing your finances, getting it wrong from the start can have far-reaching, irreversible consequences. Unlike a car that can be fixed, time lost in financial planning and investments is almost impossible to recover. Such missteps can significantly impact your financial future.

Just as an experienced mechanic knows the ins and outs of your vehicle and can diagnose issues accurately, financial advisors are experts in understanding the nuances of the financial world. They can help you make informed decisions, minimize risks, and design a financial strategy that aligns with your goals. Without their insights, you risk making costly mistakes that can set you back substantially, making it challenging to catch up and secure your financial well-being.

At Purse Strings, we do the heavy lifting for you. We look for financial professionals who focus on serving the female market. These are professionals who “get you.” They know what you’re up against and will be in your court to partner with you so that together you can create a beautiful financial future. No guilt. No shame. No embarrassing questions. We vetted them all and they are professionals we would refer to our own BFFs, our moms, and our female friends.

Read over these intros, click on their names, and dig deeper into their Purse Strings profiles. They are ready to start working with you today!

A financial professional is a team player to help you navigate your financial journey. Why not work with one of the best, fully vetted, female-focused and at the ready, to create a prosperous and smooth journey ahead. Come on, ladies – let’s be financially fearless.